This is a letter to R from Carla and also K1, I imagine you listen to it together so I’ll talk to both of you. The date is the first Wednesday in September which turns out to be September 6, 1989. Imagine that—Fall! When I hear “Fall” I start thinking about the first days of warmth in the Spring (laughs) I really should live in Florida. Let me put down that I’ve responded to this last letter—Jim started this for me as he went out the door and I don’t dare touch the machine—you know I’m just death on those machines. I wish that somebody could sit down and figure out what electromagnetic thing I have in my hands—could it be grounded, or could it be annulled in some what so that I could type on a typewriter, work a computer, work a tape recorder—I break so many things and it’s not me, it’s just something about my electrical field, because I certainly don’t wish anyone in the tape recorders or electronic equipment to have a bad time. So much for that.
I am going to have to paw through and find your letter because it was a first one, since I’ve been gone for three weeks, but I think ... [Telephone rings] ... here we go, it was in fact, near the back. That was a heart sister and I couldn’t not answer her and she wanted to send condolences and I will tell you why: my father died. It was a blessing because he had emphysema really badly, he was on oxygen all the time and couldn’t really move—if he went upstairs he had to stop on the landing and catch his breath. So he was really, really so uncomfortable and he’d been uncomfortable for at least a year. So he suffered a massive heart attack—an infarction and defibrillation couldn’t be stopped, and it just happened in the hospital with all the equipment on to document what happened to him because he was in already, there were other things going wrong—his legs were swelling and people were getting a little panicky not knowing that he might have some besides emphysema and congestive heart failure, but it isn’t a sad thing, it’s a happy thing, because it’s a release from pain for him and the entry into larger life is just got to be the great adventure for all of us that we’re looking forward to and there really was never a better man than my father so I’m sure he’s in that big swing dance band in the sky, that was his first love.
Anyway, right about this time that Daddy did die, I was riveted bolt upright in my bed and totally awake and I didn’t know why—it was still dark outside so that means about a quarter to six. Well, I went down to the beach, didn’t disturb Jim, he didn’t know I was gone, he just slept on. I really had a feeling to go down to the beach and watch the ocean and I felt happy, I didn’t feel sad, and I just wanted to watch the sun come up, so I did that and when the sun was up over the horizon, you could see that there were storm clouds everywhere, but the sun had made these grey clouds into lavender, and pink and blue and violet and indigo and it was just wonderful, how beautiful it was, and then I sort of got the urge to go into the water, which I usually don’t do by myself having been a graduate of many years of the “buddy system” at camp and realizing that you can get into a whole lot of trouble in just a few inches of water if there is a bad rip tide or something like that but I thought I’d be okay and I was, and I went out beyond the breakers so that I could just sing, ‘cause I had this desire to sing, and I had a desire to sing two folks songs that I hadn’t thought of in a long time—one is called “The World is a Trouble and a Sorrow” and all the words together are “The world is a trouble and a sorrow, the only bright light is Jesus, you better be ready in the morning to sit on the throne with Jesus, we’ll all be ready in the morning, to sit on the throne of Jesus, and the Chorus is “Bound away for glory, bound for glory and deliverance.”
Well, that was one and the other you probably know so I won’t have to quote it to you: “I’m just a poor wayfaring stranger, traveling through this world of woe, but there is no sickness, toil or danger in that bright land to which I go.” And I really thought my father said goodbye to me in the gentlest, sweetest way he possibly could through the medium of song and healing water and seeing sun rise and seeing that even with the clouds it was beautiful. So when I got back to the cabin, of course not having any idea about this big deal of Daddy dying, somebody had driven over from the real estate office that rents all the island properties, and gave us the note that said “Pop had died and to call Mother.” So I really felt that even though it was a death, it was a victory—it was a blessing, and I really don’t feel any ambivalence about that, I’m just thrilled for him that he’s out of discomfort and pain. Usually, I do not answer letters out of sequence, but when a letter comes overnight mail, I have to respect the energy and the need for feedback from my humble self.
I got the easy part out of the way at first. The channelings are reasonable. Reasonable amount of good Confederation information, no evidence whatsoever of the megalomania that the Yadda pretender pulled on you, I really could not fault, from going through this thing to make sure that I didn’t make anything—seems that I marked one thing that you mentioned, yes, here it is: it’s on page 4 of what you sent me, on the bottom paragraph, third and second line from the bottom: “We would wish to suggest to the one known as R that we are now quite capable of energizing his receiver, shall we say, and that he would be well to not worry about the reestablishment of contact.” I disagree. I may be wrong. But when I get a contact back, I check it not three times, but I check it once and I know I’m already attuned and that’s okay, but I challenge them every time. It may seem like changing the oil every six miles, but to me, the idea of getting a lousy channel simply because I was not concentrated enough or not passionate enough to make absolutely sure who my contact was, that was unacceptable for me.
Now, you do seem to be—these typical first attempts at channeling—oh yes, and on page six I wanted to explain about the acceleration of the heartbeat and the rushes. That’s very typical, it’s almost predictable of a new channel, the rushes and the fast heartbeat and the feeling that your body is swelling up to the size of the moon and that kind of thing, the reason that it’s difficult for them to do that is because they’re not meaning to do that in the first place, it’s just that it’s a high enough energy that as it enters the body complex you react. As you get experience in channeling, you get to the point where you are not uptight, and you’re just perfectly relaxed and you let the channel come to you. Sure, you feel energy, but you don’t feel it as a rush which completely takes your mind off the message. So this is just a phase that you’re going through.
I had something to say about page 6: “We will urge the one known as K1 to consider that her reticence at channeling should be put aside if possible that we may have some flexibility, in providing the teaching experience to both instruments”.
It seems to me that you are not rushing, K1, it also breaks my heart that you don’t have a third person in your group because if you had a third person you would be getting universal material, especially if you ask universal question, whereas, working with two energies you’re going to be getting information that is pretty transparently for this person or that person or both. So I think perhaps one way, R, to think about it, i.e. female reticence, is that woman are not taught as men are to be, I don’t know what the adjective is that I’m looking for is, it is somewhere between “glib” and “honest” if you know the area I mean. Women are taught to bite their tongues, not to be too smart, to please their men, to go along with them, so say “yes sir” or “no sir” if they possibly can, be the ones that adapt because men are not very good at adapting. So all of us women grow up being taught that we need to watch our every word—that we cannot ever be completely spontaneous because we’re women and we need to be pleasant. Now a lot of people have broken free of that, but K1 and I haven’t. (Laughs) We’re still ladies—of some kind. So it’s no wonder that she’s having this problem of reticence. I had a terrible time of it—it took me two months to get my first contact because I had had such a trial by fire as a child where anything I said nobody else understood or conversely, if they understood it, they said “My God, this child, this girl is so bright, what is she doing in first grade,” or something like that, so I grew up watching my mouth. I’ve always been a confidante to many—it’s not too hard for me to watch my mouth because of the fact that I forget everything. (Laughs).
But as the time went on, K1 got better, then here again on page 7, K1 is channeling and she channels: “This instrument has much self doubt. We are aware there are questions.” It’s a continuation of the same rationalization for female behavior. Women are simply not as likely to feel loose about putting their ass on the line and maybe sounding completely foolish—because when you completely surrender to a contact, you’re the middleman—you’re not making anything up, and most women don’t really want to get into that position. A lot of men don’t either. But obviously there is the gift there, and I do encourage you not to have too intense a discipline, because you need to balance your discipline times with time, if you’ve been working very hard spiritually, go out and sin a little, keep it light, because if it were light it would be okay to take it seriously, but since this particular area of life—our trying to find the truth out about eternity—is so deep, we can over stimulate our subconscious minds by excessive meditation, so I truly recommend you limit the meditations, not the number of them—you can meditate all you want during the day—but try not to let them go on for longer than say, a half an hour. Jim and I meditate for 20 minutes in the morning and feel that that’s enough, but of course, we do readings too.
As I said, this is the easy part—as to the spelling of the name “adonai vasu borragus,” you can do as well as anybody, needless to say we’ve never seen it. I found it to be very grounded in positive polarity and the only thing I saw that sparked a “wrong” was the part about not having to rechallenge. Maybe it isn’t necessary, maybe I’m being a goofball, but better safe than sorry as they say in safety engineering.
(Leafing through papers.)
Yadda managed to get to the point where he was able to say that you are most excellent [inaudible]—I found that to be true, however, “most” is redundant. “Excellent” is a superlative. I could be wrong about that too—no I don’t have any more notes on that at all. I read every word and they looked okay, they really did. They didn’t look like they were going to be publishable real soon but you’ve got to start somewhere.
So, that was the easy part. You have an enormous gift for channeling else you would not have been so split apart by the process of learning it—you wouldn’t have been running those energies and so forth. It seems to me that regardless of the shape that you were in last summer, that this summer you seemed to be in a much more stable condition and I really wish you had a third person there to ground the group. You really need a battery. If you could find somebody who is supportive of you all, whether they understand or whether they accept it or not, just an open mind and somebody who is interested in the channeling process and so forth. Okay, it really would be better if you had a three group—it’s okay for short channelings if there is only two people but for longer channeling you are just going to be getting information that is biased toward your two biases. The third person makes a universal. I don’t know why three is the big number but I have observed it is as a channel. Now, the hard part is expressing how I feel about calling off the intensives as they were.
It is not strange that you have invariably encountered resistance whenever the issue involves communicating [inaudible] because I think we’re in the book, you know. I think the loyal opposition is aware that these two stubborn ninnies are going to be positively oriented regardless, so when somebody catches fire from that and wants to give a life of service you then are standing close to that same light and I’m afraid that your light and K1’s, and my light and Jim’s would be very strong and they really don’t want us to get together and they don’t want anybody together. If you will recall when you came in everybody had had a terrible time getting to Louisville for the summer intensive, so it’s not at all unusual that you’ve had a hard time to communicate.
I really thank you for your discussion about what happened, the changes, however uncomfortable their mechanism was seen was how you put it and I totally accept the fact that it wasn’t my fault that it happened. That’s not the issue here. The issue to me and to Jim was how do we do this in such a way that people are not exposed right away to the kind of intense contact until they’ve done the lower energy center work and Jim was especially strong on this. I was hesitating on the side of those who rush in where angels fear to tread, I wanted to go right on with students and share in that way—share that energy—and Jim just felt that the possibilities of disaster were too great. He simply and rather emotionally for Jim, just said “Nothing is going to happen until I think this out.” And, Jim is pretty terse, and when he says something like that—you shouldn’t feel guilty about your part in this—you were a catalyst for us, but it could have been anybody. As a matter of fact, I’ve had two other people flip out on me, but they didn’t flip out on me during an intensive channeling seminar, and they were disobeying my orders—they were practicing channeling alone at home, so at least I’m glad to have K1 and I would love for you to get a third person because at that point I think you could take over your own development by sheer practice which is, of course, the way I’ve done it, I’m just a bozo too, but you just practice and you practice and you practice and you begin to get some interesting messages.
You’re absolutely right—if you came to me now I would refuse you as a channeling student because that’s Mick’s wish. I don’t like it—I do not like it—I would prefer to continue the intensives because even though I have seen that hardly anyone who learns to channel goes home and channels, the experience is always fantastic for everybody here. The energy hits off of each other and I can feel the group dynamics and it’s just wonderful when people have come and worked hard to get here and now they’re together and they want to learn spiritually—that energy is just incredible. So I don’t argue with Jim because he very seldom says “no” about anything, but when he says “no” it’s because he honestly believes it’s the right response, and I did discuss it with him, but he had thought about it already and didn’t want to do anything until he had sat down and thought about it. So he sat down and thought for quite a while and decided that my suggestion to him might work, and he would feel okay about doing it, and the suggestion was that he take over the lower energy center clearing because he’s been trained to do that. I think I was just born with fairly clear energy. Jim’s been trained specifically to clear lower energy center blockages through essaying, through dreams, keeping a dream journal, and discussing them around the campfire, any manner of stuff like that. Essaying is one of his favorite things. If you have a really bad experience you just rewrite it and maybe give the script to somebody else and live it out, kind of heals that blockage. So he had not himself been doing this, but he went back to it.
I did, very much appreciate your thinking concerning responsibility. I had spoken about the difficulties of it and so forth, all that is completely true, but nevertheless, those energies are stronger on a sensitive instrument such as yourself—see, I’m not sensitive, I was a reluctant channel, I was pushed into this and it’s just because I’m basically all the same, all the way through, which is just another way of saying “pure,” or “transparent,” I’ve just been me ever since I was born—blunt and honest and here I am, I’m not mean at all, but people react different way to me, but I guess I was just stable enough that I didn’t realize how high the energies were, and it was nobody’s fault that you were the one that collapsed under those energies and had to be put back together. It just was instructed to me that you were a very good catalyst and it’s important if you want to be of service to people to understand how to teach what you’re teaching with the least possibility of blowing somebody’s circuits.
I really hear you urging me to teach again and I really would like to do it—it’s a preference. I have a husband that I’m very fond of and we work together and until he is comfortable with the idea, until he has found the way around the difficulties of sharing these high energies in a sudden burst to people—seven days in a row or whatever—I feel sure he’ll let me teach channeling again, I mean he’s helping me teach channeling once a week to people who live around here, but as you can imagine, there aren’t that many people around here that want to learn channeling—right now we’re not teaching anybody because I had two students—[inaudible] and C, and their energy centers were so completely double ruffled and backwards that there was no way I was going to work with them with those energies.
You see, I do learn—I don’t do these things twice—so we were working on lower energy stuff and that’s when I became aware how good Jim was with lower energy stuff and what he suggested and they found helpful and useful—they will haven’t cleared their energy centers, they quit, basically, for the summer, because the kids are out of school. Perhaps they will come back but I’m still not going to be able to introduce them to the channeling yet, because I am very well aware that they’re a little shaky. Well, one of them—her husband is an absolute belligerent tyrant and runs her around—she’s a PhD from the Sorbonne—a Parisian of enormous culture and regal bearing—she has some kind of a title, she’s a countess or something, she’s about my age, she’s very pretty, she’s very Madonna like, and for some reason her husband finds it necessary to correct everything she does, everything, and if she wants to do something, he says “No, you have to do something else.” You know, it’s just constant, drip, drip, drip, drip, and it’s driven her utterly crazy and having talked to her husband—of course I was a mole, trying to talk to her husband, I wasn’t saying “Hey, I’m trying to help your wife,” that wouldn’t have worked, but just listening to what he had to say without prompting, he looked like a fanatic. His eyes were fixed on a distant horizon, and he wants to do things like have an America to Africa road race to improve Afro-American relations, doesn’t sound like a stellar idea to me but he’s been working on it for two years, he wants to ride a camel across the Sierra, from west to east, I think he said, and he’s getting funding for that, believe it or not, from some people who would like the PR from it, so, basically, I think he wants to “be somebody,” and when he not off riding a camel across the Sierra, or doing something wonderful and adventurous, he just bosses his own family, he has to boss somebody and it’s a really bad situation when it’s like that because the chance of my getting through to Michael, a man of enormous intellect, but almost no ability to listen, are slim to none. Besides, he didn’t ask. He didn’t ask for my opinion and I don’t volunteer my crazed imaginings of what is right and wrong unless asked.
I scare you sometimes. Why? I don’t understand that. But, is that good, is that bad for you? Is this something is a positive in your life? You’ll have to share about that because I don’t feel scary. A 100 pound woman, this little dab of a thing, is not exactly a person whose self-imagine is that of the ogre, or that I would be able to scare anybody (laughs), except possibly somebody who didn’t believe in I.Q., but at any rate, you are absolutely right, I do have a gift of teaching, I do have the gift of bringing the energy in in a clear way, and I certainly have the love in my heart for the sharing. I would be doing this all of the time—I would have people in the house whenever they asked to come and they would just come and stay and they would stay for a few months and then when they went back we would be able to work out everything, and they would just kick in a little bit so we wouldn’t go broke feeding them the way we did with you all, but I simply cannot find it within myself to go against Jim’s wishes. I believe in the partnership of marriage, but he’s the feminist, not me. I honestly believe that someone has to lead—there cannot be an absolutely equal partnership because when you have two you have a Mexican standoff whenever you disagree.
I respect Jim a great deal and I have heard him speak very few foolish things in my life and I’ve known him for a long time. When he said “I don’t want to do this any more,” I just said “What do you want to do—what are some ideas—let’s make something positive out of this.” So he started his dream journal again—he started essaying again—he said that’s what we’re going to do, we’re going to have an intensive this winter, where everybody goes to the morning offering if he wants to get up that early, and then there will be a morning discussion, probably without me there because I always go to exercise—well part of the time anyway, I don’t know what my schedule is this fall. Talk about what questions and what line of questioning they want to concentrate on, because, after all, if people are going to be here for five or six or seven or eight days, from Sunday to Sunday is probably the ideal. Monday to Friday is Jim’s ideal. Poor guy, he’s just a loner and so I really need to tread carefully here.
But at any rate, that discussion would probably be with Jim working on questions and it would all be round robin—everybody would have input, then in the afternoon we would have an intensive session of essaying and dream work, whatever the people wanted to do—there’s a lot of spare time during the day as you know for talking, for thinking for walking for riding and I think that Jim will do an incredibly good job of teaching because he has one thing that I do not—he has terseness. When I talk it is as if I am throwing 49 darts trying to hit one in the center, I realize that I talk too much for a teacher and that I don’t maintain the baby step as Don always said that was the rule of teaching, maintaining the baby step, and I will be a better teacher. But I think Jim and I are going to be a really good team when he gets this under his belt.
So then at night we would take the question, or the line of questioning or whatever, and we would channel every night, but only Jim and I would channel, we wouldn’t be teaching people to channel. We would be exposing them to a certain kind of channeling and then discussing the material on the channeling. It might seem to be a real cop-out, but right now, with Mickey feeling as he does, this is the best I can do, and I think people will feel that energy whether it comes to them as a channel or not, and if they are interested enough, Americans get up and move all the time.
I don’t know what to tell you other than that. I feel extremely unhappy that I do not have the opportunity to teach any more, except to people that are local. But I really don’t see any way of doing it unless I can do it with a whole heart and my heart would not be whole if I did it against Jim’s wishes. So I’m simply being patient and letting him think it all out. I think he’ll probably go up to Avalon, the 90 acres of wilderness he bought, for several days after K2’s been here awhile and really think it out and plan it out and see how he wants to do it. His ideas are always good and he’s always willing to incorporate my ideas.
Let’s see, “Here comes the bomb,” he said. Reading: “I feel good and stable and I’m trying to be very careful, I’m certainly willing to let the contact continue...” I think that with the cleansing of the room with the lesser pentagram ritual, and always meditating in the same place is good, and it would be extremely helpful ...
[Side one of tape ends.]
[Rest of tape is inaudible.]