Greetings, B,

Now I have to confess to the terrible truth that I wasn’t wondering what had happened to you—I’m a little too scattered to remember all my little chickies except when they write. I tend to have more letters than I can answer and especially lately I’ve had my own interesting path, so I imagine that I have had a couple of thoughts about you not having written for a while but it’s okay, you can go any length of time without writing me, I’ll still be just the same—time doesn’t mean a whole lot to me—though I do tend to be early but I have to work at it. I still don’t know where I am or what I’m supposed to be doing but I have gotten to the point where if I say to someone I’ll be there because of my respect for people I will be there. But I’m pretty scattered.

Now, about your letter—I will do my best to talk to you about this. I don’t think what you’re asking me is a real short boogie, I think that what you’re asking me has to do with the entire lifetime boogie. Consequently, the things that I’ll be saying to you come from deeper levels than the obvious ones which is what you’re asking for. But you’re simply going have to let me give my opinions and listen to them and sort of pick and choose because my experience in this area is personal and my opinions are fairly strong so I just want to warn you ahead of time that because of the fact that I have experienced a good deal of ill health and because of the fact that I know quite for certain that some of it was emphasized by psychic greetings—I’ve done a lot of thinking on the subject and have some opinions about it that really are not going to make much sense on the surface of the pond so you’re going to have to do a little diving to find out what I’m saying.

I do apologize for that and I don’t mean to be glib. It’s absolute hell to have to sit in one place and not be able to do stuff and worse not to be able to make money when you need to. It’s a wonderful way to find out if your family and friends will rally around, but at the expense of a lot of peace of mind and you still have not yet achieve the peace of mind that would be your best foundation for doing further spiritual work and if I were you I would not start up spiritual work except for the meditation. I would not run any energy through myself if I were you until the rest of the two spots of cancer being removed gig was over.

You’ve got playing three acts and you’ve done two acts and you don’t really know whether to sip a soda and then bop back into the theater and enjoy yourself or to sip about a half a gallon of bourbon and get ready to lose a portion of your body in the midst of taking out a possibly malignant or possibly benign tumor. This is not a good time to begin things spiritually. If you’re stable enough and you don’t have any fear then you’ll be okay, but it seems to me that you need first to deal with yourself and that’s not selfish at all.

I’ll just sort of talk around this thing because it is very difficult to tell in a linear manner what I feel about this subject, that is, channeling, physically difficult experiences occurring to one, and achieving a positivity in channeling that is stable and that can be dependable. That’s all tied in together.

Temp jobs are the pits, aren’t they? At least you had one for two months the second time. The first time, you don’t say how long you’ve been doing temp work in the sales office, but they must have been very impressed with you and thank heavens that one of their benefits was a group benefit and you didn’t have a waiting period because otherwise the insurance wouldn’t have covered you. I hope you took it with you when you left the job and kept it up because this society has not yet caught up with the expense of being ill and we can spend a lifetime of savings if you don’t have insurance; better to pay it every month because you will get it out of them at one point or another in an incarnation in which you are guaranteed to croak. And one doesn’t usually do that real fast, there’s usually a lot of expense.

Blessed is the man who is able to die without being stuck in a hospital bed. I say that with great heart—my father had to die in a hospital bed after just being so determined to die at home and he was at home until the last day of his life and then had to go to the hospital and go through all that running around and giving information and so forth just so he could die on a machine.

I’m really glad that you were able to be at home during this time and that you didn’t have to go to the hospital because the hospital is the worse place in the world to be sick. Terrible place. In the first place, people who are given just a little bit of power tend to misuse and abuse. Especially nurses who are never there when the doctors are there—the night nurses. People from some special circle of hell—little demons that won’t answer your bell. You can hear them all talking together down the hall but if you’re hooked up to several things you can’t get them to hear you because you can’t get out of the bed and there isn’t anybody around and they know all you want to do is go to the bathroom and that’s really boring, or a pain shot and it’s not quite time yet—stuff like that, so it can be a very rough place and I’m glad you didn’t have to be there.

By the way, you don’t have to spell Obeewan Kenobe(?) that way—it was probably designed to be OB1KNB. That would be my guess, knowing how Spielberg’s mind works. Also, if you’ve named your birds Yen and Yan, then that’s it, that’s their names, but the yen and yang of the Zen folks has a “g” on the yan part. Strange, huh?

And oh my, do I hear the problems of doing anything when you can’t use your hands and stuff. I didn’t have my hands in complete disrepair, but both of them were wrapped at one time and I was still able to wrassle out the TV dinner but I had no thumbs. Then I tripped on a rug and everything went flying and since it was before microwaves it was another 45 minutes before I could eat after, of course, picking up the first mess I’d made.

And then you say, “and when you are disabled and can’t work, then you also cannot collect unemployment checks”—tell me about it. I was disabled in about 1976 and was still trying to work for a while and I got a few things done but finally by 1978 I had to give up because it was hopeless. Social Security gave me disability so fast that I only needed one local check. I’d always heard that you couldn’t get it first time through, but apparently I’d waited long enough so it went right through. Don was there being questioned and he had gone through so many things with me and had helped with hospital bills.

So I’ve dealt with all these things and I’m just so glad that you did have insurance. I’d also kept up my Blue Cross insurance from when I was in college and if I hadn’t kept that up I would be uninsurable and so I’m very grateful.

Now here comes the part where you really—no, not quite yet, you’re also telling me that your computer went down and you had not backed up on the floppies—shame on you, I understand that’s part of the Bible—I’ll bet you won’t forget that again. My sympathies, I’m glad all the pricey stuff was saved—I gather that you do have everything in a hard copy so that you can reproduce the data in that form.

And your F is in Libya(?), yuk. Let’s see, you started this letter 14 October—you said you were looking forward to seeing him in November—I do hope that that vacation went blessedly, whatever its outcome and that there was a shared positivity regardless of what you had to deal with. That’s about all you can hope for. Love, you can’t control—you just do the best you can to be loving to people who either do love you or don’t.

And I really approve of your taking time off from the Pisces work since you are questioning your channeling and so forth.

“…in math.” Math is a long way away from me. I just don’t know who to send you to because see there just aren’t that many people doing respectable work in this area and I guess you found that to be true so you just stuck with me which is very frustrating. I do sympathize and apologize for that. There’s not much we can do about it. If you are ever able because of improved job and life expectancy and so forth, which I’m sure will happen, or at least I have faith and hope will happen, you’re welcome always to come over on a weekend and chat with me or come even longer if you want to stay and do some help around here. We can always use some tapes typed and that sort of thing.

D is always behind the eight ball with too much to do so people that come to talk to me over the weekend are very welcome but Jim doesn’t talk to them much but people who come and offer to do some typing on the computer or something like that Jim will actually talk to them. That’s not exactly being fair because he talks to everybody—he’s extremely hospitable, I’m the only one that knows what it costs him, but the cost goes way down if somebody is helping him because his life at this point is just a flood of work, just a spate of things to do because I’m coming up with a lot of ideas and he likes some of my ideas and says he wants to do this and that but there’s just so much of Mick, although we are very tickled to have K with us, it didn’t work out for her to be in the house with us because she and Jim couldn’t share the same dwelling.

There’s nothing wrong with either one of them but they both have fixed signs and fixed ways of doing things and Jim does excellent and K does excellent but have two completely different takes on life so Kim did not turn out to be the help that we were hoping although she is a tremendous help and we were very grateful for her presence here in town and I feel she’s made a lifetime commitment helping us with this work and of course it’s a great joy to have her on board and she’s really coming along with her channeling and much of her work also has been involved in learning how to tune and to challenge to the extent that you are satisfied with your contact before you begin, period, or you don’t do it.

When she first came she wasn’t ready to do that at all. She moved half way across the country and then in my first lesson when I told her that she needed to tell me what she was living for and what she would die for, which is right out of my book, and she heard it three years in a row, she just crumpled up and said “I’m not letting anybody or anything be important enough for me to die for or to live for—I want to know the truth and I want to be on my own two feet.”

I said “well, that’s very interesting but I’m afraid I can’t teach you, so how do you want to relate to L&L?” She was really stunned because she thought there would be an argument but I had no argument with her. People are what they are and can do what they feel they can do and it was quite obvious to me that she was not at all able to commit herself to an imperishable ideal, whether it took shape as an idea or as a personification of an ideal, such as Jesus, or Buddha, or Zoroaster if you have a really archaic turn of mind.

I believe that Fr. Angelo is indeed a blessed soul and that his communications with you are dead right. He said we never know, we just have to trust and believe. I would change one word in that to make it more accessible to your heart and your mind. I would switch the word “believe” to the compound noun “live in faith,” because I don’t believe in anything. There’s nothing here to be believed in. Belief suggests absolute knowledge. I have no absolute knowledge. I challenge people who have a mind to show me absolute knowledge of anything because I am quite aware that this is not an absolute place—this is an illusion, and everything is relative to a lot of other things, and it’s that way on purpose, it’s not a handicap—it is not a bothersome detail—it is a self-imposed limitation because we who want to polarize more and more positively can keep our minds on our work—on what we came here to do.

I say this a lot, it being true, so you may have heard me say it before, but you have to watch to whom you speak about coming here to do something. Having something to do in your life—having gifts given to you by the Creator and there being in your stewardship and you being basically called to a ministry of service but who knows what kind of service—it depends completely on your gift and on the guidance from within.

So when he said “we don’t know, we just have to trust” and pardon my editing of his speech because he’s too Christian to make sense, we have to trust and have the character to live a life in faith in an atmosphere of total unknowing.

Our faith is not in anything quantitive, our faith is simply that whatever is in front of us is what is supposed to be in front of us—it contains our next step in our path of service, which happens to us while we’re trying to figure out what our path of service is. In my experience, anyway, my path of service has always hit me over the head with a two by four.

[Carla then relates the story of moving to Atlanta and her experiences with the Episcopalian Church there and the subsequent opportunity to take over as choir director of a small 50-person mission close by—this information can be found in previous letters.]

So, I really did not have a good time there though I worshipped as best as I could, it wasn’t the kind of worship that I’m most fond of, so I went through that whole thing giving up the thing I like to do most in this world which is to sing that repertoire of sacred music by Bach, Beethoven, Mendelssohn, so many wonderful people have left to us that you need a certain amount of confidence before you hit that music, at least on tune.

So when I say that my path of service usually hits me in the face, it’s basically a matter of paying attention to your own feelings about things, starting getting feelings about things, you know, this isn’t right—you have to pay as much attention to that as when you feel that it is right, and it is often true that the holy spirit or our guidance, or whatever you want to call these sources from within, will give to us that which we specifically and graphically do not want to do because we have arranged it before hand so we can learn as fast as possible in this incarnation.

We can get upset with ourselves but we did do it ourselves. I think that the hardest thing in the world to do is to let go of “belief” or the need for belief or proof—the ability to wing it pretty much from within to out rather than responding to outer events in a given way. We always have to look at every outer event and ask yourself “where is the love.” That’s what Ra said and I think in that one brief piece of wisdom it was probably worth…you can take a lot of things that Ra said and translate them into…I would have been glad to do what I did and have the losses that I did at that time if just a little of the material had been able to be gotten out. I feel very grateful for all of that.

[Side one of tape ends.]

…That’s the task at hand. We have to release that necessity for proof and live in faith—blind faith. And what is that faith, what is the trust, what is that help? Be still and know that I am with you. That’s basically it. The “I am” is with us no matter what our circumstance. We may be in the dust—we are also in the presence of deity at all times. That is the heart of faith—it’s the awareness of ourselves as imperishable, the awareness that the Creator that created us just so, the awareness that we can participate in and choose our destiny and not have it thrust upon us. There are times to resist it and there are times to cooperate with it, but again you pretty well have to play it by ear.

The Gulf Stream was in Florida…was actually in Gulf Breeze in case you said that to somebody else—or they weren’t in Gulf Breeze, depending on to whom you talk. There is a lot of brouhaha that it was actually a big farce—I have no idea whether it was or not. It’s not the kind of thing we ask in our meetings.

Yes, it is most unfortunate that people give one-sided views of the UFO phenomena, however it’s not really surprising that one of the most wise men I ever knew was Don Elkins and I could not convince him until after “Secrets of the UFO” was written and out that there was really any negative UFO presence here that would in some way threaten him. As a matter of fact, that’s why “Secrets of the UFO” says “by Don Elkins with Carla Reuckert” which is the classic way of announcing that you’re a ghost writer and not a collaborator.

I did write the thing for Don. But there were enough disagreements in the way we think about things that I simply wanted to distance myself from all that phenomena because I find it to be misleading and disturbing to people and I just like to encourage people to start slow and start gentle and kind of build up their own intelligence from a good solid base and not go trying to find all the answers. There aren’t any good answers—there are just some thoughts. It’s a mystery.

But to be balanced, we have to consider the fact that people are having some very negative experiences and other people are having subjective positive experiences and it’s very simple to decide which the contact is. If it’s a negative experience it’s going to feel negative—if it’s a positive experience you’re going to have this feeling of being opened up and inspired, and so forth.

And poor Whitley Strieber has just confused the whole issue because he’s such a good hearted guy and such an interested guy that instead of starting out with positive and detuning to negative, he started out with a negative experience and basically has done enough tuning by studying the situation exhaustively to receive some really good feelings so now he’s saying well maybe they’re not negative, they’re positive. No, Whitney, sorry, but you’ve got your negative ones and you’ve got your positive ones just like everything else in this illusion.

All that says in an interior spiritual sense is that we have a positive and a negative to ourselves—we are 360 degree people, we can go in any direction that we choose. Our circumstances cause some choices to be easy and other choices to be dubious, and our circumstances are unique to us so when we pass anybody on the street in any circumstance including dead drunk in the gutter, it’s basically an experience in seeing another way of being ourselves.

With that being so, I need to move your mind now to the thought that all of these things that have happened to you have happened to you in an atmosphere where you were attempting as much as you could to live as you had learned to trust. You were very much on the fast track in the desire to change yourself into a more spiritually evolving and centered consciousness, and you apparently are doing it very well because you attracted some attention.

Now negative attention can’t get anywhere with someone who doesn’t have blockages. Some blockages are hopeless—physical problems can be emphasized at any time. A negative entity that was working to greet me during the Ra contact learned the trick of putting me to sleep and it seemed like every time I sat down I fainted. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. They couldn’t get me out of my body because I was determined not to go and I was told not to go—I didn’t even know how to go, but I had an inner ear problem that has never been healed and its been aggravated since arthritis years by a very bad jaw joint next to that ear. My balance went, I became unconscious. And some things occurred that were not very simple during that time, but very little occurred to me that had any effect on me other than to make me sick.

The only real physical problem I had wasn’t physical, it was due to choices I’d made throughout my life not to say things that would be hurtful but would leave me nowhere to go to be helpful. In other words, I didn’t like to criticize unless I could find some way to pull it out and find something funny about it or pathetic or helpful or something—I don’t like to be totally blunt and then walk away. To me that’s like doing surgery and not sewing the person up.

So the words that I had not said in my life concentrated in my lungs and I got the most unbelievable deep cough I’ve ever heard from anybody in my entire life. I’m not a smoker. It turned out I had a small strep infection in my throat that had been going on for years. I had complained about it to my doctor and it was tested and took some antibiotics which would knock it down but it was one of those really resistant strains I’d probably picked up in the hospital (terrible places, hospitals).

I could barely speak without coughing and the only relief was when I was either clubbed to sleep by exhaustion or during a Ra contact where I didn’t cough. But then Don was told to make me cough—apparently it was really important because I was sort of drowning at the time.

But you see, that was not red ray. That was not just being sick. There was a little something wrong with me but it didn’t have any effect on me until they were trying to quiet me. By “them” I mean what I call, with respect, “the loyal opposition.” I’m a Republican, they’re a Democrat, or visa versa. They’re lobbying; I’m lobbying—they’re not in sales, they’re more in swiping, stealing, deceiving and trickery at large.

I’m not specifically in sales I just offer things to people—I merely offer things to people who want them and I don’t push them on anybody who doesn’t. But there’s enough polarity difference there that had I had serious blockages—serious fears about sex, companionship, all those things to do with the red ray about personal relationships, who wants whom, who loves whom more than the other, is this relationship going to work out—oh, God, I hate work because of this one person, you know that kind of person-to-person thing, or just plain having low self-esteem and not thinking very much of yourself so that you get into odd situations with people because they can push your buttons, all those things are orange ray blockage. It stifles and limits the amount of living light that can come flowing into your heart.

The yellow one—this is the density of that one, third density, third color, is the density of society and how you’re dealing with society and anything to do with the job itself as opposed to a relationship at the job—if you have any fears there, it will come out.

So I guess what happened to you is that you must have been angry about a few things in your life, and that was intensified and you got those little cancers; apparently cancers that can be removed without your having to endure a long slow decline which I’m very thankful for. I have seen two people this year be healed of cancer, that we’ve been praying for so, of course, I’ll put you on my prayer list. But you’ll be the one that heals yourself. The prayers just give you more to call on when you choose to call.

So, basically, in looking at your situation and what you’re having to say about it, I would say you need to do some work on yourself right now. You need to think through the implications of a very simple statement Jesus made in the New Testament. This is not an exact quote, but it says “forget the ten commandments—I am making a new covenant with you and here are two rules: 1) love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul, and all your strength; and 2) love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

But see, that second one has a loop in it. It doesn’t say “love your neighbors as if they were God”, it says “love your neighbors as if they were yourself.” That means that before you can do any loving or accepting of love or working with energies of love, which is what channeling and healing are, you have to come to a self-accepting place within yourself so you see that as you stand closer and closer to the light, those traces in your character that are the flip side of a good virtue: example, my complete addle-brained absent mindedness at almost all times being the shadow of a person who basically has no boundaries and can move into anybody else’s life experience insofar as that person gives me the opportunity and the honesty to work with. It also makes me a particularly easy channel to use because I don’t really have much of a gear between my mind and my mouth.

I’ve always lived in pretty much absolute compulsive honesty. Not always the easiest person to live with but people always tell me they are (honest?) with me and they trust me a lot because I am that way and I can occasionally be very scratchy simply because I think I’m doing what’s right. But people know there’s an integrity to that. I do avoid a lot of lower energy blockage by calling out what I see and letting the people around me help me work with those perceptions to minimize distortion and maximize a sense of humor and a sense of balance and a loving compassionate look at whatever situation I’m having trouble with.

I could not do that all of the time until fairly recently—I would say the last ten years. I was simply not that steady. I hadn’t had enough happen to me yet and I wasn’t observing as well as I feel I’ve gotten to. I’m sure that this is just the beginning but I’ve at least gotten to the point where I can honestly say I’m a beginner and not just somebody standing there with my thumb in my ear.

So please don’t ask my forgiveness for telling me your situation. I don’t think you’re crying on my shoulder at all. I think that you express your situation with a good deal of restraint. Yes indeed.

No, my life hasn’t been easy and I’ll be witnessing to you about that until the end of this tape, but first of all you need a spiritual hug. Okay, we’re going to have a spiritual hug. [moment of silence] One spiritual hug—I enjoyed it too. And I’m glad to give you what support I can—you have to remember as always that these are opinions of mine.

“Father Angelo said we serve in different ways and we must be open to whatever the Creator has in store for us.” And then you say, “that’s easy to say”. You might ask him to witness to you about how easy it is to do. It’s never easy to do. It’s agonizing and painful sometimes. The spiritual path is not a path made out of happiness, contentment and pleasantness. The spiritual path is very spiky and uncomfortable. There are moments of absolute joy—there are, for some of us days of it. I went for three days of absolute ecstasy about a week ago. I’d only waited for that moment for six years. It was my finally forgiving myself because I couldn’t save Don’s life.

I had been forgiven by Don before it even happened by Don himself. His last words to me were extremely loving. I had been forgiven in confession, which the Episcopalian Church does have along with the Romans. We do it, however, in a much less, how shall I say, knee-jerk way. We do it when we feel we need it—we don’t do it every week before communion except reciting one general confession as a congregation out loud, which doesn’t give away anybody’s secrets.

I was perfectly aware that I was forgiven, but I had not forgiven myself and it was a six-year bogey in the desert. But see, I’d had enough things happen to me already that I had faith for that six years. Serious, determined and held-onto-with-a-very-good-grasp kind of faith. That was all there was between me and chaos because what has happened to me in the last few years especially has been that on top of grieving for Don and hopefully getting a really good new marriage on the way, I was in an auto accident in ’88 that doomed me to learn many many lessons about cooperating with destiny.

I had for ten years worked with exercise to block any look of arthritis from taking me over. I was able, simply by exercising, exercising, exercising to stand up straight, to move well, maybe I had to wear a collar or a cast from time to time but until the accident I had enough strength built up from a lifetime of first being a dancer, then a swimmer, and having to do physical therapy to keep my joints in oiled condition, I just didn’t look sick—I looked little, I just didn’t look sick, and I don’t think I look sick to this day, but a person sitting down all the time that can’t get up can appear to people as being ill regardless of what illness they are down with.

So it kept getting worse and worse and finally part of my back was paralyzed for awhile and I got the message that I was now not supposed to be fighting against the arthritis, I was supposed to be cooperating with it and I was asking, why, why, and praying a lot and it turned out that Jim and I were both praying at the same time doing completely different things. He was going to give a talk that I couldn’t help out with because I hadn’t been able to travel for awhile except in the back of the truck and it’s a little chilly here for that because I have to lie down.

I don’t even take pain medication any more because it doesn’t even touch the nerve pain and it makes my stomach hurt and messes up the whole G.I. tract so I’m basically pretty much on the cross as far as the way it looks from the outside in. But you see, I don’t have any need to suffer at this point in my life. I’m ready to look at the positive side. I don’t have anything hanging me up. I’ve worked really hard to get there—I’ve had things hanging me up with Jim, I’ve had things hanging me up with Don—I felt guilty because I wasn’t able to save Don—it took me a long time finally to see even intellectually, that I couldn’t have done anything and when that realization came it didn’t change anything to do with my emotional feelings about it. I adored that man.

So I was praying very hard and all of the sudden it happened. I began running a kind of energy I’ve only run a few times in my life and never for as long as three days and two nights. I thought I was going to just die of the energy flow and I finally had to put an end to it by taking some sleeping pills and going to sleep because it was just exhausting.

But I was very very grateful for it. It was the kind of mountain top experience that I think Martin Luther King had when he said “I have been there—I have seen the mountaintop.” Now I was there and I mean to tell you that if people had just sat down and taken notes—there was this incredible feeling that I could solve all the world’s problems, of course it was incredibly simplistic—Jim, for instance, said at one point, “well what would you do to solve the world’s situation.” And I said: “I would take every single weapon that has any more strength than a person’s hand and shoot them into outer space.” (Laughs) Just let it leave the galaxy and travel forever until it runs into something in a galaxy far far away and hopefully has disintegrated by that time. Obviously not very practical.

But internally, it was a healing. For six years of what I call the semester, I look at my trials or tribulations or Perils of Pauline or whatever you want to call it—the soap opera—as occurring in semesters, and it’s only—seen from the outside they appear to be different lengths—I think time is very plastic and we have as much time in each semester as we need to learn certain lessons.

Well, this particular semester had been six years long—it took me six years to accept myself again after Don died. So no wonder there was a lot of energy moving because the whole six years previous I had lived on faith alone—no spirit.

But I remembered, and simply the memory of living in faith is enough to keep you living in faith—it’s a self-perpetuating thing once you’ve taken the big jump. You discover that you can’t see the hands holding you up, but they’re there and they never fail. Sure, you can die—big deal—I’m ready to lose this body at any time—larger life sounds pretty good, but I’m not leaving, boy, I tell you, until I have every expectation that nature is taking me out of the game, not me, because when I was 13 I heard a voice say “you may stay here or you may go back and live a life, but, you haven’t finished what you came here to do—it’s your decision.” I came back.

Next time I hear that voice I just want to hear one phrase that goes “servant, well done.” I will die trying for that phrase.

When there is a focus like this in life, you take a totally different view of the circumstances that greet you, when you’re doing spiritual work, not when you’re at kvetching over coffee with a girlfriend, but on a deeper level. I mean, we have to complain, we’ve got to bitch and moan, it would be crazy to walk around being saintly all the time—who can stand someone who is a Pollyanna like that? Not I. My humor is sometimes very morbid but life is sometimes very dark but it’s always giving us the absolute maximum amount of stimulus for us to use to create our own experience of life.

It, in itself, is unmoved by us—it is catalyst. We are not necessarily moved in this way or that way by that catalyst. We’re not chemical—we’re imperishable. We have our choices—we have our freedom. Consciousness has that and it’s a burden as well as an honor. We need to be responsible for the things we know. The way that you look at a situation and you’re seeing a bunch of stuff coming at you and it’s just been one disaster after another, you need to look behind the disasters into your material—what were you thinking, what were you feeling, what are you thinking, what are you feeling, what judgments have you not let go of about yourself that you need to let go of about yourself that you need to let go of at this point. There is a burden there somewhere. Is it in relationships? Is it in relationship to yourself? Is it in relationship to a world that’s very difficult to live in?

You don’t have to get perfect. You simply have to get balanced. Balance means you can abandon your fear. You don’t have to fear anything. Balance means that you’re looking at this illusion from a place far enough away from the illusion, to see that death cannot make us be afraid, evil cannot make us be afraid, nothing can make us be afraid. It’s a free choice—we don’t have to be afraid.

Example: I was raped once, only I wasn’t raped. I looked at the guy and I said “what are you doing?” And he put his head down on the steering wheel and cried. I had my panties torn, that was all. He kept saying you’re really good, you’re really good, you’re really a good person you’re a good woman. I didn’t know there was a good woman.“ And I was patting him on the back and saying “well, you’ll find your girlfriend, I’m sorry, I’m engaged, I can’t be your girlfriend, but I just know you’ll find somebody for you.”

Crazy, huh? But there’s nothing to fear. What can he do? Violate you? Certainly an insult to the body but in your incarnation there are no mistakes. It’s a matter of putting it all down and leaving it there—don’t pick it back up.

Now, let’s get to the other part of it.

So you were making a great effort a year ago to get the Pisces book published. This is action in yellow ray. You were feeling very frustrated. You were caught. You got caught on a concern. It isn’t bad to have concerns, it’s fine to have concerns, but to be attached to them, to be attached to having a positive outcome is like saying “I don’t have any faith beyond this point. It has to happen now, for me to have faith.”

It doesn’t work that way, it just doesn’t work that way. You can’t ask destiny to produce on demand. I mean, you can pray and pray and you will always be answered, but a lot of those answers are “no,” or “not yet,” and that isn’t the answer that people want to hear so they don’t think they’re getting their prayers answered. You’re in as much communication as you allow yourself to be with guidance, given that you are meditating silently and listening for a few minutes every day. There isn’t any way that you can be kept from that very safe source because it’s within you.

I do not feel that a computer dumping various things is a sign one way or another. I think it is a sign in that it asks you to pay attention. When you think what it said I think it sort of reveals itself “disc something”—perhaps it’s so you will think about it. What did that message mean in computer language because I can’t use a computer yet—nobody’s figured out a way for me to use one yet, because I have to be lying down for a lot of the time for a long long time.

So think what that computer said to you. I don’t think it said it was shot, I think it said “error” or “problem”. A lot of times these things happen in a kind of subjective code—so the question is “What does that statement on the computer, as it explains it’s own problem to you diagnostically mean in terms of your spiritual life. That’s the sign that’s there for you. It’s not a sign of positivity or negativity. It’s not a sign to get it back, it’s not a sign to discontinue the channeling. It’s a sign to think about it.

You’ve been praying ever since for guidance—that’s good, be careful to listen. You also need to let it go. It’s not your worry. All you are is a channel and you have observed in yourself certain things that say to you “I need to do some work on myself because if I don’t love and accept and support myself fully—if I don’t like myself—if I don’t look at things I’ve done and say, yeah, I like that—it’s really idiosyncratic and I can see the faults but basically I like the person that wrote that, or I like the person that drew that, or whatever our gifts are.

We need to like ourselves to be unselfish enough to love others. In finding the compassion to forgive ourselves, we forgive everyone. I think your basic problem was going back to work before you cleared the lower energy centers. I think you have some anger and since it’s your anger, not mine, you’ll have to tell yourself what it is about.

I think there’s some fear. Is it fear of being left, is it fear of being old, is it fear of being without a job, or is it fear of being taken over by a job. There are so many ways to go and it’s all subjective. That’s why I say “what did that computer actually do—what did that diagnostic actually mean?” I don’t know but you probably do.

I would pretty much take everything as a sign because the potential is there and the more attention that we pay to things that maybe aren’t signs, the more attention we’ll be paying to those things that actually turn out to be signs. Basically, when you’re looking for right action, you look straight ahead without your glasses, and there’s something right in front of you—it might be the dishes, it might be a cranky kid, it might be cleaning up the dog doo from the neighbors yard, or the death of a pet, or something, you know. But you have to pay attention to it and you have to ask yourself “Am I fearing or am I loving? Am I noticing fear or am I noticing love? Or am I encouraging fear or am I encouraging love. Am I serving out of fear or am I serving out of love?”

Because people that serve and give judgments and “know things” are generally working from a fairly negative point of view. All I know is that there is a mystery and that my choice is not to ignore it but to embrace it and further my choice of attitude towards that deity given all the examples that I have in nature around me—the sun shining on the just and the unjust—the food coming up wherever it’s planted depending on the soil, not depending on the farmer—all the rest of the other trees breathing out oxygen and breathing in carbon dioxide—this is obviously a very cooperative and loving universe; very radiant, very life giving, and our consciousness is a lot like that.

We can choose to be like the sun and we can choose to be radiant and waste a lot of energy I’m sure in radiating onto those who don’t like light, but that doesn’t mean you stop radiating. That doesn’t mean you pull in and start controlling—not if you want to polarize towards service to others. It means you take whatever blows come your way and go, “o.k., I wonder what lesson there is in that?”

A lot of times it’s just learning to take oneself less seriously in the mundane sense so we can take ourself more seriously in the spiritual sense, because, as humans, we will always be in error—we were born with our time bomb ticking inside us—tick, tick, tick—every heartbeat is one closer to the time this body will be unviable and we will move on to larger life and more dense, light-filled bodies, or, if we’re really stubborn about things, we can just come back to another planet like this one and have another 75,000 years of McDonald’s.

If you can pull the emotion out of the situation so you can see the bones of it—that helps a lot. You don’t have to be afraid that you, by your channeling, are attracting poor information….

[Carla is interrupted by UPS and Jim and explains]

That was Jim, the Mick, coming in and out of the room and my life. Typically, I think we spend most of our lives apart—he works in his office and I work in my hospital office where I have a place for everything (Jim has got me all built up here.) His take on the same situation is that we’re constantly together—male/female differences, amusing. That’s what I’m talking about is you look at stuff like that and not get all grossed out—Jim just has a much higher need to be completely alone, and I like company much more than he does so he sees me as an intrusive presence where I don’t even notice when he’s around, even if he’s making noise and coming into my life, he’s going to walk back out of it so I don’t pay much attention.

That’s how easy it is to see things in a completely opposite way—we live in exactly the same house and have exactly the same experience, so I don’t think you need, in any way, shape or form, to be concerned, as long as you know who you are, what you are living for, what you would die for, and how you’ve tuned. You need more and more to be fastidious in your tuning, to tune yourself to the highest level of contact that you can receive in a stable manner—I always say “in a stable manner”.

Then you need to be able to stand on that ground, as a metaphysical being, that will never die and say “this is who I am and this is my rainbow bridge to eternity. This is my symbol—this is my story—this is my personification, and I challenge you spirit, in the name of this, for which I would die.”

For me, it’s easy—I use “Christ”. I use “Jesus Christ” and I ask them to say “Jesus is Lord.” It’s all down in the bible, I don’t have to think. Everyone has a slightly different and unique personhood, consciousness, bias, balance, and each person is perfect, including you.

So you need to be able to trust yourself in this work. You need first to get yourself back on the path where you are living a life in faith. Simply that. Quit worrying. Maximize efforts to get a job you really like—don’t worry about the money, just look at things as “how can I help people and stay off the charity roll.” It will be right in front of you. I promise you. Things will continue to be right in front of you as long as you’re looking and they’ll get more and more obvious to you as long as you continue to pay attention moment by moment, day by day, month by month.

You have an incarnational pattern. You’re old enough to begin to see it at this point. You know the kinds of lessons in love you’re here to learn. Example: My lesson was to love without expectation of return. I love people whether they love me back or not. This hurts sometimes. I’ve been jilted, divorced and left in a particularly brutal way by a suicide, by the men in my life. And I’m now in a very productive and happy marriage with a man who swears that he just doesn’t feel that he’s in love with me and he doesn’t think he ever will be.

Not really surprising considering that he has to treat me like a four-year-old most of the time—dress, undress, wash, and so forth, but I continue to love. For one thing, I would do it anyway, it’s my nature, and for another thing, it’s my lesson to do it gladly, because when I do it without holding on to it I can do it forever. If I do it with any kind of attachment, I run out of gas real fast.

I am going to go upstairs now and get a feather for you. Where I got it I’m not exactly sure. I’ve run across many feathers in my life and I pick them up because there are people I know who need feathers from time to time. Even rocks—anything that looks like it might be an amulet for someone at some point and be meaningful, and I’ve had it stuck over the cartoon in my bathroom, that Jim framed for me by putting plastic around it so it would stay on the wall. No caption.

I just ran off the end of the tape so I hope this is helpful to some extent. I’ll get you the feather and I send you lots and lots of love and light.