Hi R,

Jim McCarty had received your letter and passed it to me because there are occasionally times when he prefers to give me a tape to answer because he is more of a scholar than a counselor and feels comfortable answering linear specific questions and description of your letter which he just read to me indicated, and I agree with him, that this wasn’t a simple answer and that it would probably be useful for you to talk to me.

I don’t do many of the letters that come here—perhaps one out of every 200 or so is something that he can’t answer and do his very best, or do L&L’s best and is in my field of expertise. I’ve been teaching for a long time and I have a lot of compassion for the situation you find yourself in so let me take apart the various elements of your letter and perhaps in the discussion that I have you will find some comfort and perhaps some new things to think about and I’ll suggest a few directions that you can think in.

The primary thing of all, of course, is for us to serve you the best way we can. You can hear Jim’s typewriter in the background, he is answer letters that say “Well, what did Ra mean when he said this?” He’s a wonderful Ra scholar. What did Q’uo mean, what did Hatonn mean … whatever people see in our newsletter. I’ve channeled excellent entities before Ra and since Ra, but Ra was undeniably, as far as I’m concerned, the best contact that we had and it was self limited because of Don Elkins’ death.

It was a very “delicate and narrow band contact” was the way Ra described it himself, or themselves actually. It’s a social memory complex of both male and female. Many, many are united in that social memory complex. It’s as if all the people in the United States, or in the world, had come into enough congruency of opinion that they were able to do work together as one being.

This, of course, as not yet taken place in our third density but it will in the future, in what Christians have always called “The Kingdom of Heaven,” which I think it will certainly seem like compared to here, but it is a pilgrimage that goes on and on and on, as we travel back to the father of all things and the creator of all things which is given to us in the bible and I think quite accurately by John as the logos or love.

I would like to reassure you that I am a practicing and very serious Christian mystic. I have been since I can remember—since before I can remember according to my mother. I was born into this world with the gift of loving Jesus. He is my personal savior. I do not see a way without a savior of some kind that is emblematic of hope and the way, the truth and the life.

My service to others is quite purposefully a service to unchurched Christians, that is Christians that have not found the childhood dogmas and theology with which they’ve grown up sufficient to carry into whatever portion of their life they find themselves in whenever that truth is not satisfactory entirely and there is a desire for a more philosophical understanding of the nature of religion, of the nature of spirituality, of the nature of humankind and the Creator, who we are, where we are going, what is the nature of evolution beyond this point.

As a mystic, I do not flow at all into facts or dogma. The mystic has always been one to be unimpressed with facts and be much more impressed with the heart of wisdom and the heart of love and the heart of truth, so that the world itself becomes fertile with the feelings of love, the awareness of infinity as it intersects the present moment at each present moment of our lives so that we realize that as we are in Christ, Christ is in us; that it does not matter whether we are in this particular physical vehicle or in the light which to our eyes in this environment has no physical vehicle and seems to us to be pure energy.

In fact, there isn’t anything that is without a life of beingness and that beingness rests in Christ. The universe is completely alive—the earth itself is aware of the one infinite Creator. It teaches us, for instance, as we see that the trees eat our exhalations of carbon dioxide and in turn exhales to us the precious oxygen that we need for life.

Everything can be seen to be, when it is without distortion, when it has not been damaged by the co-creations of humankind to be completely service oriented. People say nature is red in tooth and claw, actually it is designed that all things are of service to all other things, even in a sacrificial way, as the animals may prey on another species, yet that has been planned so that the death of one species helps another to live. That same species that is dying (and it will die anyway.) We are all going to cease this particular phase of consciousness and be reborn, so that there is truly no loss, there is no loss at all. This is my view of the universe at this time.

I am 48 years old myself and have a vast appetite and love of this wonderful consciousness of this life that I feel very sure will not end here. But because we have the teachings of great sons of the Creator, like Jesus, who is my choice of a way to learn in this life. The red print, the parables, not necessarily the teachings of Paul, though Paul makes many, many good points and certainly not the eye for an eye Jehovah of the Old Testament.

If it will comfort you any I will testify to the fact that my own brother spent the last fifteen years up until about two years ago attempting to convert me to what he considered Christianity. He no longer considered me Christian. Luckily I have gone all my life to the Episcopal Church and that is, of course, the Church of England which did produce the King James version of the Bible.

I myself do not use that version of the Bible any more because I studied in college and discovered that many of the sentence constructions and therefore the implications of the dogma of the King James Bible were misleading because they were not exact translations of what the Greek or the Hebrew, or in some cases, the Aramaic, were actually stating in terms of their culture and the way they used words.

There has been an enormous amount of research. The Southern Baptist seminary here in town has been one of the leaders of the theology in America in attempting to rework the research that went into translation, so that people could read it in Latin, people at that time were speaking Latin, this was during the Roman/Christian period and it was translated by the early church fathers. It had a lot of problems. Obviously, there isn’t any way for a mystic to rely upon specific things.

One more attempts to get the spirit of the parables, the various parts of the Bible and see them in the context of their life and their times and therefore much more accurately seeing what it was that these blessed and holy people that worked as discerners of spirit, prophets, apostles and so forth, through the ages, what they are really attempting to say.

So that is my background—that is who I am in terms of an ability to help you and an ability to perhaps be someone whom you may listen to with at least the confidence that I am quite sincere in attempting to aid you in your freewill decisions and choices.

Now, onto your letter. No, one more thing. I think you do need the reassurance of knowing that my priest and the priests ever since I was a child have, because I think of the fairly civilized and simplified theology of the Anglican Church which accepts the doubts in addition to the faith that underlies all of the doubts that people have had through the ages and will be expected to have in terms of what they perceive themselves thinking.

That doesn’t mean that you’re not a person of faith. I think it was Paul that said “Lord, I have doubts, I disbelieve. Help my disbelief. I wish to believe.” That is our situation I think, so let me assure you that as I have been discerning spirits for some time now since 1974 I have at no time strayed at all from being under the discipline of the priest and his very advanced and specific knowledges of the points within the Bible.

They have told me that I have the gift of discernment of spirits and each of the three priests that have encouraged me in this ministry to the unchurched, have asked to see representative things that I channel and I have always provided that. I am under authority and I am obedient to that authority, but I have had nothing but encouragement. Sometimes Father Ben especially is such an intelligent and compassionate man and very widely and deeply devout, that he is able to say to me “Well, that is all right, it’s just not anything new, it’s not anything I would put a lot of importance in because it’s not your best work, move on and keep showing me your things.”

But never have I heard, “Well, this is not consonant with Christianity,” this is the work of a Christian Mystic and we in this church respect the mystical point of view. All of the Anglican saints have been mystical and it is a strong tradition in this particular church. It is not overly valued, it is not devalued. It is seen as one way that certain people find Christ, and that has been very helpful to me in know where I am in relation to devotion and love of Christ. I dearly love Jesus and I worship the infinite Creator with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength.

Now to your letter. Let me pick it apart into various things. First of all, let me talk about Zosar. I think that is an Estarren master that has spoken through the woman Erline (I don’t remember her last name) but I believe that is the Estarren contact that this woman has had and that other people have said they have received that contact also. It is not the contact I have gone after although I read thought the entire first series of “Estarra.” As you know, if you are an Estarren there are several series of teachings but I satisfied myself as to what that was. I did research through the years looking at the various “new age” systems of belief, religions, spiritual assistance, whatever, would be the least prejudiced way to call them.

The difficulty with Zosar and Estarra and that is the same difficulty that you have found in your native church that you have grown up in and were able to keep for a long time, that is, it is a kind of fundamentalism where you must believe this, and this, and this, or you will not get to heaven.

This is repeating the error made by system after system of dogmatic belief in that it holds to the letter and devalues the spirit of perception of a spiritual nature unless it follows a certain pattern which is built of words and concepts which are within the illusion rather than accepting the fact that what we can know in this life is expressed more in choices and in action rather than in specific knowledge of the infinite Creator.

We cannot know things in this life. We can only appreciate what the bible has called the “valley of the shadow of death.” We, as consciousness are imperishable and infinite because we are in Christ and Christ is in us. We are in a thought or a logos which is love, creative love, and that is our nature and it is inexpressible within this illusion which warps the pure light in order to make manifestations that really resemble say, a black and white movie which we are watching. We are watching our life in progress but the color movies will come in moments of inspiration when we are lost in the kingdom of heaven and are releasing our limitations of body and mind and after we leave this illusion and the veil that covers the roots of mind is dropped.

Zosar or any emblem or representative of a certain system of dogma will necessarily warp the truth in order to bring it into manifestation in this illusion. This is an illusion, we know it is. Scientists even tell us that and they are not at all pro-religion as you know. They say “Well, we haven’t been able to find mass, we have looked into the atom, we have seen sub-atomic particle energy traces, we have not actually seen any mass, we are assuming that there is mass because there is a field.” I believe the basic meta-field is one which includes all consciousness and is in all things and everywhere as we have often grasp the God and Creator of life to be.

The problem is, of course, that words were created by humankind to express concepts which were thought by the mind which is part of the illusion. The brain itself, the mind is limited in order that we make choices on faith alone. We need to, I think, face the fact that our lives begin, continue and end in mystery. And it is by faith alone that we make our choices.

That does not mean that we cannot come to some conclusions as we build choice upon choice and attempt all of the days of our lives to place ourselves in the creation of the Father in a worshipful and respectful manner, a loving manner, loving love itself, and then offer our entire lives to the infinite one through Jesus Christ.

Since you are and have been for so long able to worship Jesus, I would suggest that you continue with the words of Jesus and pondering what was in his mind when he said what he said so that you can begin to experience the mind of Christ in your life and begin to make choices based on the instructions, the very simple but very profound instructions that he gave us as to resources and tools for prayer, for going into the silence and having silent communion with the infinite Creator so that we can best serve other people in forgiveness, in compassion, in a non-judgmental manner, and in a very charitable loving manner that does not partake of judgment but simply tries to help people as they ask and in the ways that we are best gifted to act.

My gift is pretty much one of communication and people have, for a long time, been saying kind things to me because I am able in some way, I don’t really understand, to penetrate some of the confusion that everyone is in including myself. I want to assure you that I’m not any smarter than you, I’m not any more advanced than you, I have simply, through a series of circumstances which I feel were destined for me, found myself more and more limited in the things that I can do other than contemplate the infinite one.

Rheumatoid arthritis has pretty much stilled me, especially this year. I almost died four times this year and have been in the hospital four times and at this point I can get up and walk up and down the block in front of my house a couple of times. Other than that I do have my legs under me but the root nerve going down both of my arms has been damaged. I’ve had arthritis since I was 13 years old.

My kidneys failed when I was 13 and I died, or should I say, you may believe if you wish that I experienced death. I had no tunnel experience, none of the near death things that people talk about. I remained completely conscious. Of course I’d been on the critical list for two weeks with kidney failure. This was 1956 and there was no technology at that time even to medicate a kidney failure, much less to do a transplant or have a shunt and administer dialysis.

I was expected to die and I fulfilled the expectations for less than a minute. I had no change of consciousness. I was simply out of pain which was greatly relieving. The pain of dying is not particularly pleasant but death itself was very much a relief, but as I walked toward a temple in my unblemished body which had previously been quite destroyed by the disease of glomerular arthritis. I was no longer in pain or blemished and I was rejoicing and I somehow knew that a temple whose dome I could see over a lovely hill was full of friends waiting for me and I was rejoicing greatly.

Then a voice spoke to me—a voice without a form. I could see the air sparkling with the energy of the voice and it said to me “Carla, you have chosen a lifetime that is difficult, very difficult, and perhaps you want to reexamine the plan that we have made for this lifetime and chose a lifetime that is more able to be done, or if you wish you may go back and finish what you came to do.”

It was not in my nature, knowing that I had something in this life that I had not yet finished to quit, so I chose to come back and this was over in less than a minute but I had experienced a subjective hour of time. It was actually only about 20 to 30 seconds, maybe 40, but no more than that.

So I got well. I did have another kidney failure at the age of 15 and by the time I had finished with all of that I had damaged just every organ in my body. Certainly the rheumatoid disease had spread to the heart and all the joints and as soon as I chose to leave a wonderful life as a librarian to work with Don Elkins which I considered even more wonderful, the arthritis began limiting me. It was very marked and I experienced symptoms that began to limit me within several months of beginning to work with Don.

By the time I’d learned to channel, I’d actually been in Don’s circle of meditation when he was doing experiments—you’ve read about this in the books, I’m sure, since 1962. By 1974 all the original channels had dispersed to various parts of the country, you know how the American lifestyle will do that, there weren’t any channels left. So Don said “You’re really going to have to learn,” though I didn’t want to, I’m not a person that likes to shoot her mouth off particularly, at least I wasn’t at that time.

But I’ve gotten to respect the kind of things that I can do to reassure people and sometimes help them and that’s always worked for me. That’s what I came here to do. That’s what we all come here to do in one way or another. To learn about love and to express it, to manifest it. Don’t hide your light under a bushel, that kind of thing.

I have no spiritual pride, I’m just a sinner like everyone else, but I’ve been given a certain gift. It is like the talent that I dare not put into the ground—I must share it and allow it to grow in trust in the sense of helping people.

So I hope this will help you and if it doesn’t help you then toss it into the waste basket and don’t let me be a spiritual stumbling block to you. That would be precisely the opposite of what I want to do. I’m not an authority. I have opinions. The opinions are backed up with many years of experience, obviously. I’ve been channeling since 1974, channeling well since 1975 and I haven’t stopped. So those are qualifications that may assure you.

As far as I know I haven’t done anyone any harm. People will tell you these things, and I’ve gotten a lot of thanks throughout the years. So I think by saying right off that I’m not an authority, I don’t have infallible knowledge, I’m just a person, but these are opinions that I have intelligence enough to hold carefully, cautiously, and with all my heart.

I know this isn’t everyone’s personal truth but I believe in your case it may help for me to talk. So I would advise you strongly that if believing in Zosar is making of your life a difficulty, a lack of sureness and a lack of just basically a feeling of not being home, not being in your center, then perhaps I can talk through some things with you.

Okay, leaving Zosar and fundamentalist beliefs behind, the first thing I have to say to you is that you have not wasted one moment, one second, one nano-second of your life. I do not dismiss fundamentalist religion as wrong, I simply say to people who find themselves unchurched at whatever stage of life, and it can be 68, 75, I’ve worked with people who are that old. I’ve worked with mathematicians, philosophers, intelligent, extremely educated PhDs from many different fields and especially in science, you see, because science will give you an awe and a wonder.

If you are paying attention you will begin to see that all of the observed data works, but has no basic explanation. Nobody knows what electricity is precisely. Nobody understands the constant of the speed of light yet we use these things over and over and over again along with gravity and the action at a distance type field. Nobody can explain any of those fields and why they exist. They simply know how to manipulate the materials.

So a scientist of any kind or an educated man of any kind, if he is really paying attention, is forced against the fundamental mystery. The reason that most scientists do not get to this point is that they are not intelligent enough to see that just because they can’t understand why something is so wonderfully ordered, that doesn’t mean that it’s random. So they chose to say, “Well, it’s a mystery and that means it’s a random mystery since we can’t solve it. It just happened, it’s a primal ooze and this just accidentally happened.”

Now if I gave you a watch, a working watch that told you the hours and predicted when the sun was going to come up and I said “Oh, well, this is an accident. See these little gears here, they weren’t made, the glass over the face, no, that just happened.” You’d look at me about a half a second and say, “Right, sure, this just happened, uh-huh, and I’m a Martian.”

Well, scientists don’t have that kind of sense of humor, they don’t have that lightness of spirit and they’re going to save the world with technology. They don’t know what the spirit of it is. They don’t understand, they simply manipulate from observed data and the observer itself is very, very limited. We see very little of the spectrums of light energies. We hear very little of the various waves that one could hear if one had infinite ears, and so forth and so on. We are limited by our sense within this illusion. We are not limited within our spirits.

The point is that even when we experience the mystical mountaintop of pure light, and we are that pure light, we cannot bring it back. It’s just like speaking in tongues. The glossolalia that many fundamentalists put so much credit in. Paul, I think was the one that said “Hey, I can speak in tongues and it’s delightful, but I can’t teach what I’ve gotten, I can’t bring it back, so I’d rather talk a long time in the limited words which will exhort people to faith and trust and fearlessness, and forget the speaking in tongues, except when it happens to me, and I appreciate that, but I’d much rather be useful than spend all my time in the light.”

I have found in my own life that I become light every once in a while. It will hit me the way that it hits mystics and I won’t eat, I won’t sleep, I won’t even move much, it will just be the light, and that’ll kill you, if you just sit there and don’t eat and don’t sleep and don’t move around, eventually you’re going to leave the physical body and chose. That’s not what we’re here to do. I’m certain of that as I can be and still acknowledge the mystery of life itself.

I worship that mystery. I do not turn my back on it for one minute—I’m fascinated by life and have a great appetite for it and I’m here to tell you that you have not wasted any part of your life. You have not been wrong. You have needed a structure for a long time. Do you know the country song: (sings) “I need four walls around me to hold my life, to keep it from slippin’ away?”

That is the purpose and the usefulness of fundamentalist religion of any kind and there are fundamentalists in all religions. Intrinsically, there is nothing wrong with it. It is the spiritual equivalency of being in the Navy or some sort of military establishment where all the boundaries are fixed and you know what you’re supposed to do and when you’re supposed to do it, and you’re safe. Many people find that necessary to their living, to their peace of mind.

It does, however, generate a paranoia about people that don’t think the way you do for the simple reason that as one believes, one thinks perhaps others should believe too, and there’s a process of education that really isn’t available to many kinds of fundamentalist minds. They don’t see that not all people are alike—that there is a vast range of ways to understand what the new age calls “Christ Consciousness.” They don’t see that other people can have other paths.

They don’t see that Jesus did indeed come to save the world, but he came to express it in as many ways as possible, attempting at all times to say “I’m not talking, it’s the Father, the ‘I am’ that is talking,” so that when you look at “I am the way,” “I am the truth,” “I am the light,” it sounds very fundamentalist as though if you made the slightest error in not choosing Jesus Christ, that you were doomed to hell.

I believe Jesus, who always talked in parables and said so, was attempting to say that the “I am” (and that is the name of his God, Yod He Vau He (YHVH), or Yahweh, or I hesitate to say Jehovah, because Jehovah wasn’t really the same thing, Jehovah was an emissary who noticed that my Lord spoke to God, it’s dual, even in the way Jehovah speaks in various parts of the Old Testament).

But this “I am that I am” which Yod He Vau He translates into in Hebrew, is a consciousness that is pure love, creative love, not a wimpy or a romantic love, but the love of Creation, the love as we experience as we are allowed to take part in the Creation by building in our bodies the body of a new spirit, so we have the awareness of this love, say in the sexual functions of orgasm which are the prerequisite for new life, we momentarily experience that pure joy, which I believe is the steady state of the one infinite Creator, not that it is sexual, but that we perceive it in the natural function which allows us the awareness of the strength of that creative love. It is a wonderful thing.

So our bodies come and go but we remain and nothing is ever wasted. None of your experiences have been wasted and you are not in a situation where you must choose an either/or. You’re in a situation, as you now have discovered that the inerrantist dogma is confining for you. It is not your path at this time, now you are seeking.

That doesn’t mean that you have ceased to be a Christian, it means that you are seeking a deeper and wider understanding of what the consciousness or the mind of Christ is and this is remarkably excellent and valuable and not to be doubted simply because some authority figures in your life, your parents and so forth, are on your case and saying that you are dead wrong.

I believe the heaven and the hell of which Jesus speaks are intended as emblems of a state of mind which either has faith in the darkness and makes choices with that faith so that we can say “I am wholeheartedly a worshipper of love, of Christ, of all that there is in the Creation being in the Creator. I realize that I only have the star of hope to guide me, that I will not know any answers in this lifetime but my function here is to ask the questions and to have faith that life itself will furnish us with all that we need to proceed in the making of choices that will be to the glory of God and the glory of God is expressed in sharing our gifts, our compassion and our understanding and an open hand and being fearless in our own lives accepting the fact that truths will come and go as we continue our evolution.”

I believe that the evolution of the body is done and that further evolution at this time will be evolution of the mind and the heart. I de-emphasize the mind because when people talk about mind they are usually talking about logic circuitry and linear knowledge and it has been my experience that it is the heart that has the deeper knowledge and the true wisdom so that many choices may perhaps be called foolish by people who are wanting to know why—why did you do this?

People will say “I had a hunch” or “I had an intuition, a strong and undeniable feeling that this was the thing to do.” And they will say “Well, look at the sacrifice that you are making, why are you doing this, why are you being so charitable and tolerant, why aren’t you judging and separating yourself from people.” I can only say “because I don’t fear anything.” The worst thing that can happen to me within this illusion is that I leave the illusion and experience the kingdom of heaven.

I don’t say that because I wish to die. I love this life, it is wonderful, it is magical and so beautiful and so golden. The sun shining down, the blessed rain, the way friends help each other regardless of circumstance, the way people can love and give and care and make the choices that create an ever deeper feeling of love and of being centered in the mind of Christ.

I, myself, use all of the chances that I have moment by moment to affirm the fact that my hand is in Christ and always will be, all the way to the end of my livingness of this life and far, far beyond because Christ is not simply Jesus, Christ is of the Father, and insofar as I am of the mind of Jesus and working with the ways that he gave us to think about things …

[Side one of tape ends.]

… to covenant, to love the Lord and to love others as you love yourself. Now many people have looked at that and not realized that first you have to love yourself—you have to be “in love” with yourself because you are in Christ and Christ is in you, not because you’re such a terrific person. Everyone is deserving of that love and you are included. I think most people find it easier to love other people than to love themselves. They’re very hard on themselves.

There is every reason to examine your motives and your actions, but not to lose the love yourself because of that because you need the feeling of the surety of Jesus Christ’s love of us. Remember, he said he came to save sinners—it doesn’t mean that we’re perfect, we’re just trying. But we are trying and that is the point.

So when we love other people we give out of fullness into fullness—it comes through us, it does not come from us, we allow the use of our talents in the service of Jesus the Christ. Or, I never quibble with people if they are Buddhist or if they want to believe in Zosar, if they find it easy to believe, say, in an ethic even. Basically, whatever it is that you would die for and that you are living for is something that is deep enough in you to be hallowed because it makes your life peaceful and it allows you to focus on observing and making the choices that seem the most like those of the one infinite Creator as given to you by someone or something, even if it’s just the bedpost or someone named George.

Not that you should worship anything but the one infinite Creator but there are many, many ways to get to the awareness of infinity, eternity, and the unity of all things in the one infinite Creator.

Now, this all sounds very nice, but there is power behind these thoughts and the power is that of faith—faith created in midair, not something that is founded upon “Well, this works in my life,” the way people say they believe in a certain economy or philosophy, it’s deeper than that. Faith is something that allows you to drop all fear. You’re not afraid of whether you live or die and Paul said, about being a Christian, “If we live, we are in Christ, and if we die, we die in Christ.”

So whether we live or die we are in Christ and Christ is within us. That is the depth of belief that is the depth of faith. I don’t really like the word “belief” as well as the word “faith” because belief intimates a belief in one specific thing and the mystery is not one specific thing unless you say it is love. Yes, it is love, but can that be rendered into the human experience in any way but action by the choices you make, by the services you intend and attempt to exercise on behalf of other people.

We save each other, we bring each other home by our witness and our exhortations and the way we live our lives. It is a profoundly disturbing thing to people who do not want to work because it does take work, it takes lots of attention, it takes daily remembrance, it takes willing to do what is necessary to remain centered in positive options at all times. This is the way we begin to experience the bread upon the waters that has been written about. The way we begin to experience, by reflection, the love of Jesus the Christ, the love of that great Creator who sent Jesus the Christ, whom Jesus called the equivalent of Papa, a very near, near God, not a faraway God or a judgmental God.

We do have eternity I believe. We do have many incarnations in which to develop this muscle of faith and witness so that we are not knocked off of our center by circumstances. Certainly I have found that praise and thanksgiving have led me to the very door of death time and again in this fairly difficult life pattern, if you know anything about rheumatoid arthritis or system lupis, you’ll know the kind of experiences I’ve had in this life as far as my health goes and I am in considerable pain at this point, but this is not as interesting to me as the opportunity to talk with someone like you and share my faith and encourage you in your path of life and service to others.

The point of regressive hypnosis is fairly unimportant. It is an unimportant point. You can learn some things about what has happened to you in the past but you don’t need to know these things really. It might be in some way useful in understanding why you have the difficulties you do with a particular person in your life, but I have found that when people start investigating past lives they become involved in the glamour of that if you want to use the word “glamour” in its old fashion term.

Glamour was originally talked about in terms of the fairies taking you away into a land where time stood still and you didn’t age. This was “glamour,” this was enchantment, that took you away from the processes of life, living and dying faithfully. Glamour now means Hollywood which does indeed take you away and I think that the commercial-ridden TV and the various aspects of advertising continue to be denigrating and degrading forces in terms of the nobility and the beauty of humankind’s experiences and spirit.

We carry the beautiful part with us, we carry biases which we may not understand but which we can trust. These biases are the fruits of the incarnations which have passed. I have had regressive hypnosis so that Don could continue his research. He suspected that I had perhaps an unusual experience in terms of what I had done and been in a previous lifetime and apparently he was fairly correct.

If you’ve read the “Secrets of the UFO” book, Chapter 8, I am “C” in that experience and “A” and “B” were two people that I knew and in the introduction to the first Volume of “The Law of One,” which you have probably seen as “The Ra Material” because we signed a bad contract, because we are not good business people and we didn’t realize that the person who first published the book for us was going to change the title and the author. It was originally titled “The Law of One” by Ra, a humble messenger of the Law of One, which, of course, is what we had worked out with the entity itself, as I was doing the channeling.

I wasn’t aware of it at the time but Jim and Don worked it out with Ra and I just came upon the knowledge later when they allowed me to read it.

It is a settled opinion of mind that it’s really a kind of a game. It’s not that important to find out why you’re in this position and why you have these beliefs, it’s far more important to simply trust that good offices have brought you to this point and that now you want to have a fresh and faithful point of view, not to say “Well, I was so-and-so in a past life and therefore I must do this,” but saying “Well, it’s in my heart and I’ve prayed about this for some time until I trust this feeling. I need to be of service in this particular way and I need to be faithful in daily remembrance of the one infinite One and I need to open my day and close my day in acknowledgement of this source of all being and I need to live in the center of that thought during the day so that I don’t have a fear of pain, or limitation, or emotional distress or mental distress or spiritual loneliness.”

It is my experience that all of us have lives largely spent in the desert, spiritually speaking. We make our choices and we live with those choices and we create the most positive option that we can, and insofar as we fearlessly choose the most positive and loving action that we can be aware of in this lifetime without knowledge of past but only acceptance of the guidance of the spirit within which is holy and nearer to us than our hands and our feet, nearer to us than our breathing, as Joel Goldsmith has said many times.

We are most able to witness to the love within that feeds and influences our life and our instincts for service. Many people use their faith in a very fearing and limiting way. They say “Oh, I am afraid that you’re going to go to hell,” or “I’m afraid that you won’t make it into this heaven, there are only a few things that you can do in this life and everything else is forbidden.” I think the more fundamentalist you get the more you run into that kind of thinking.

As I said, I’m not knocking it, many people need that kind of structure and it is a perfectly legitimate way to find Christ Consciousness, if you will, or Jesus Christ or really, what is behind Jesus Christ, because as Jesus said, “It is not I that speak but the Father in me.” He was attempting to be an inspired source about the Creator, not about himself. That “I am the way” bit has been long misunderstood in my own personal opinion.

So Jim has come to his own conclusions about doing hypnotic regression. He does not feel, after having done many of them that he’s actually helping anyone because people get lost in the glamour of having lived before and desire to have been alive at the time of Christ or at the time of the Pharaohs, and this is all within the illusion. This does not get you into any knowledge that is going to be ultimately excellent. In some cases it might give one comfort but the problem is that the comfort brings with it the limiting factor of saying “Well, that is my experience, that’s who I am.”

No, that’s not who you are, that’s who you were. I don’t think there is (what the CIA would call) “need to know,” about that stuff. It’s much more useful to ask the questions within this incarnation based on your heart’s feeling, some people call that a “gut feeling.” Well, a lot of times heartfelt things are felt specifically in the gut, but usually that gut feeling, if it is at all negative, is going to end up expressing fear to other people or of other people.

A person tends to overvalue a previous lifetime and not value the new and fresh opportunity you have, moment by present moment to experience the love of God and to manifest it as clearly and as transparently as you possibly can in your life experience, not worrying as much about specific this and specific that, and is the Sabbath on Saturday or Sunday and all of those dogmatic pickles that people get themselves into, but saying, “Hey, I’m not particularly impressed by facts, I’m impressed by hope, faith, love, charity, I’m impressed by positivity, I’m impressed by people who witness by being without fear in situations that other people may perhaps fear.”

Not that you’re going to be without doubt or without the instinct to have fear, but that is presented to you as a kind of plate of spiritual food that you eat, read, learn, and inwardly ingest in such a way that you restore faith by allowing it to fill your heart so that you’re not pulling on God but you are allowing God to flow through you in the infinite present moment, which is, in truth, the same as infinity, it’s just that we don’t value that present moment.

We spend a lot of our lives, because of distortions caused by fear and looking backwards, and saying “I regret this, I shouldn’t have done that, I was not good in doing this,” in judging yourself and not forgiving yourself and then looking fearfully into the future “Oh, what’s going to happen as I get older, what’s going to happen if I’m alone, what’s going to happen if I can’t do this particular job?”

I’m here to tell you I cannot get up and walk around. I can’t use the phone, I can barely push the buttons down on the tape recorder, Jim does it for me most of the time. I can’t write, not without causing myself further damage neurologically. But I have never felt that I was more useful because of the fact that the limitation has given me this great gift of time to spend paying attention to everything in my environment and seeing everything as part of the Creator.

Not that the Creator is everything all together, the Creator is only similarized, if you will, in manifestation of any kind, including light. The thought of love is the character of the universe, and out of that character, out of that logos has come all that there is.

So I am attempting at all times to move beyond the limitations of words or concepts that my conscious mind can express. I’m trying to help people with words that are somehow more than words themselves.

In terms of my own life, I hope to give it one day completely as I die to the one infinite Creator as my gift to him. I try to make it a poem rather than prose, a harmony rather than a jangling discord, an attempt to give without stint as opposed to being selfish and saying “If I give this and I give this I will be in a difficult position so I won’t give this.” Now, I’m not saying that I’m a complete martyr. Ra pointed out very correctly to me some time ago that I needed to think carefully about martyrdom. Ra asked me to think about the fact that in martyring himself Jesus limited his ministry on earth and this was not something that Ra would criticize at all but asked me to think about “When is my time to go to Jerusalem to give up the life?”

So far, there have been about four situations where I have chosen to move out of my life because of the fact that I felt that this was not the time for me to go to Jerusalem, this was not the time for me to martyr myself. I could still do some teaching, I could still talk to some people that I’d not talked to before. If I, for instance, had allowed the most recent martyrdom that I’d very carefully considered and intended to do, I would not be here today.

My best girlfriend lost her husband who was Jim’s best friend. We were a wonderful foursome and we had spent a good decade together knowing each other and being with each other as much as possible. Ron, her husband, died this last fall so I told Sonja she could just come and live with us and that Jim would appreciate the help, we have good schools here and that should do it. We’re family and we’ll be together.

Well, the Creator gave me a chance to review that by causing this latest injury to the root nerve on both sides of my neck. I was just out of the hospital for the third time that my system stopped functioning and I’d been diagnosed with having ulcers from the top of my G.I. tract to the bottom because of all the medicine that I’d taken. I’m not a high tension person—it wasn’t a stress thing, it was the medicine, a mechanical thing. The ulcers weren’t that bad but they hadn’t been medicated and I’d been carrying on regardless for years, since about 1982, and my body just laid down and said “You’re going to have to figure this one out, girl,” so I went to the hospital.

I came back from the hospital feeling pretty good. I was finally on ulcer medication, I was beginning to experience a lot of vitality again and Sonja called up. It was her first Christmas since Ron had died and she had a Christmas tree fall over on her and she couldn’t get it back up. So Jim and I went over there. She has a five-year-old who just turned six who is in a size 10 pants (children’s size), he’s a real big guy.

She, like many people in the generation after me has brought the children up to know that she loves them regardless and there is no discipline and they’re very heedless children. I don’t say this in criticism, I say this as a fact. It is an observation and Kenneth is a typical five year old that is running around who has not been disciplined in his entire life. Consequently, his energy is random and he’s just go, go, go all the time. He’s almost autistic—he has trouble listening.

Sonja had been screaming at him for a half an hour not to get near the Christmas tree because it was right on the verge of falling over. Jim managed to get it up eventually but it was a long process and Kenneth kept running into the tree and around the tree and screaming and shouting so it was very loud and noisy and I didn’t have a proper chair under me and I was being a martyr and not asking for one because I knew Jim had enough to do without having to get me a chair.

What I didn’t reckon on was the fact that when I tried to get Kenneth to come over to me and sit with me and talk a little bit (I figured if I’m going to have him in my house he’s got to listen) so I invited him over and he came and gave me a kiss on the cheek and I started to hug him, but that was as far as his attention went and he broke my grasp, pulled my arm out of the socket and I woke up the next morning paralyzed and it was the 10th of December and since I’d been in the hospital three times this year the doctor just said “Well, lie down and don’t move until it gets a little bit better because you are risking permanent paralysis.”

I couldn’t feel my body but I could still work my legs okay, I just didn’t know what I was feeling and what I was bumping into. And then the doctor wouldn’t talk to me anymore and he finally admitted me to the hospital through the emergency on the 26th by arrangement (after Christmas). Basically, he sort of wrote me off because he wanted to have Christmas of his own.

The medical system in America is not totally satisfactory because of considerations like that. You don’t say “I’m not well,” if you’re on Medicare and Medicare is just not going to pay after while, though I got to the point where there was an emergency. My blood pressure went down, my temperature went down and my body started to go to sleep inside and just stopped functioning and I barely made it to the hospital on the 26th.

I just kept saying to myself “If we live, we live in Christ,” and that was enough. “If we die, we die in Christ, so whether we live or whether we die we are in Christ and Christ is within us.” I must have said that every minute for the previous 48 hours at least, perhaps more than that. It was what kept me going. But I refused to be afraid because there isn’t any difference really between the consciousness of being alive and the consciousness of being without a physical vehicle in terms of the eternal life of the spirit.

That which is the Lord does not die. There is infinite life. It is right here, right now and very close, as well as taking place before and after our incarnational experience in this illusion. This illusion is here so that we can make choices in blind faith.

Now, this is what I wanted to say to start out with. I am open to further discussion with you, I’m open to you’re coming here—this is in the misty future. I did not allow Sonja and the kids to move in with me. It was one of the hardest things I ever did but when Sonja reviewed with me the fact that Kenneth had hurt me the first thing out of the barn it almost killed me. After I’d had Christmas with my family and I have one of those incredibly great families where nobody fights anybody. I’ve never heard of anybody else actually, but I think it’s because both of my parents, who are now dead, were alcoholics and I basically raised my brothers and I loved doing it. It wasn’t a hardship for me.

I experimented and let a boy kiss me whom I did not love when I was fifteen and I tried one cigarette and it didn’t work for me. That was the way I felt about that kiss. “Okay, you don’t want to have anything to do with a man you don’t love, it doesn’t work for you, it may work for other people, no judgment intended, but not for me.”

And I’ve lived my life like that. I’ve tried to pay attention my whole life because I have had the gift of faith and the gift of the awareness of infinity of Jesus and the infinite love that he has for us and that I have for him, and for the Lord especially, who is my king.

Come and I’d be glad to talk or we can work through the mail. Since I am not able to write or phone you have to tolerate the fact that I have to write on tape and you’ll have to listen to me, I’m sorry about that. But most people say, well, that’s okay, I don’t mind that. And I would ask you always to write me rather than to tape me so that I can put the letter on a board in front of me and be able to see it without using my arms or hands. I’ve had twelve operations on my wrist and hands and six on my feet so there is a real failure there—it’s just not wise at all for me to use them.

I’m sorry to be limiting you by this and sorry to say that I can’t say “Come and see me tomorrow, or next week or next month.” I don’t know when this situation will improve but I’m absolutely positive that it will. Bodies don’t stand still, they disintegrate or they get better and I’m getting better. Thank God. I will know when it is time for me to take up my channeling and my personal counseling. We never charge for anything, R. We have received these gifts freely and we give them freely. We will accept any amount of donation that you want to make including nothing.

If you can get here when Jim or I let you know that it is possible for me to do it without ending this particular lifetime you will be welcomed with all of our hearts and we will do anything we can in the way of talking with you and attempting to be of aid. Again, without saying “We will be of aid,” or “We are an authority—we are smarter than the average bear.” Forget that. We are all pilgrims. It is a dusty path. It is often a painful path. But it is a beautiful, holy and blessed path in that regard of where we are or the circumstances we are in we are content if we serve the Lord with every fiber of our being and witness to the light that transforms any obstacle and any limitation into a lovely and beautiful opportunity to witness to the light.

You have it. We have it. We all have it. It’s just a matter of letting it flow through us from fullness to fullness without limiting it with our own fears and ambitions.

I hope this has been of some initial help and that you will find it useful and perhaps focus more on your questions so that you are beginning to refine them and I can continue to aid you and Jim can continue to aid you in whatever way we can. As I said, Jim does not have the opinion that the aid of reincarnational regression is helpful and I agree with him in that it does tend to throw you off course and mire you in the past limitations that you experienced and not solved.

This is your chance to solve them, not by knowledge but by faith by trusting yourself through all the positive options that you find yourself inspired to consider.

I leave you in the same love and light that you are in all the time and that I am in also in the unity of the one infinite Creator. Pray about this, ponder it, if it is not your personal truth, please let it go. If it seems helpful to you, Jim is here, I am here and we are within our limitations of humanness very willing to share with you what we can and perhaps aid you.

I know that I will learn more from you than you will learn from me. That is the way of the one infinite Creator. God Bless you and I’ll be talking with you if you find this helpful.