Group question: What do you say to people who are considering a divorce and ending a mated relationship?

(Q’uo, November 16, 1986)

My children, we offer our answers in love and in hopes of being of service, and yet because your question is about divorce, as you call this custom, our points of view diverge dramatically. And in sharing with you our point of view, we so far wish not to influence any unduly that we ask most especially for each seeker’s careful discrimination in using any part of what we say. For we would not wish you to act as you think you ought, but as you feel. It is your discrimination and your choice at all times, and the greatest teaching, the most ideal rule, the most exalted creed is as nothing if it is not the echo of your heart and your mind and your will. It is indeed doing damage to yourself to take concrete and irreversible steps which are not of your own choosing. It is less unfortunate if the choice is temporary, and yet we would wish not to be of disservice at all. Therefore, please take those things we say and weigh them carefully.

We find the purpose of the mated pair to be increased efficiency in the gaining of catalyst, fellow aid in the processing of catalyst into experience, and the supplying of a yoke-fellow for whatever service you have created for yourself, with the aid of your higher self and the Creator, for polarizing within your own incarnational experience.

In any density higher than your own, partners in catalyst are chosen with much clearer eyes, for the veil of the subconscious mind and the veil between minds are both alike lifted and each entity has a much advanced grasp both of his own nature and of the nature of others. Those polarizing for service to others will most always choose an entity whose vibrational nexus complements and enhances one’s own. Those involved in polarizing towards service to self are unpredictable in their choices as regards vibrational compatibility, for other considerations having to do with those things which are of the illusion are more important.

To follow this line of reasoning back into third density, may we say that a persistent difficulty in speaking of your matings within your civilization is the great variety of motives for inaugurating and sustaining such a relationship. Almost never is it for the reason that is most closely aligned with the actual function and purpose of the mated relationship. Almost never is suffering, hardship and trouble used as the reason for choosing a future partner. And yet, this is the precise experience you wish to share.

For your illusion is created in order that you may suffer and learn. That is the purpose of there being an illusion, for self-consciousness must be awakened. The third density begins with the sense of self asleep, and happiness and contentment do little to awaken the soul. It is the interactions with others that bring grief, suffering, loss and trauma which create the opportunities you most cherished before the incarnation.

Thus it is well to choose the mate you want to suffer with and for, the mate you feel will pull and pull as strongly as do you to carry equally the burden of illusion. Certainly it is well to choose in love, yet, my children, do you think you were given your physical vehicles, as they are, for play? We suggest that in the divine play that is your sexual network of responses, there lies the great wisdom of bonding and creating a reason to consider one particular mate over another. The choices are often too many, for one may seem good and then another and then another. And so we observe most sadly that the motives for your mating often include the interest of the physical red-ray center and often also include desires for benefit. This is service-to-self in orientation, as is an unenlightened active red ray, and will lead to exactly the kind of catalyst for which each in actuality enters into a mated relationship.

However, there being no grasp of the function of the mated relationship, the trauma of catalyst is seen not as what you have come to experience, not as the reason for which you became mated, not as an opportunity to learn what you came to learn, but as an unacceptable inconvenience, discomfort and impediment, something to be shrugged off as if the mated relationship were a piece of clothing that could be shed.

You can see, can you not, that we find ourselves little able to answer in what seems to be a sympathetic way when we are asked what we would say to one who wishes to dissolve a mated relationship. Certainly we could explain the theory of choosing a mate for the purpose of learning, through suffering, but this may not seem very persuasive to one who is suffering and wishes it to stop.

We would suggest that there be made special time for meditation. What could be gained in meditation, you may ask, when the problem, the catalyst, is coming from another? And we do not give a sympathetic response this time either. For the only sphere in which any entity has power is the sphere of himself. True power is power over the self and the right use of power involves the self. There are in any difficulties which you experience, whether or not another has difficulties, problems of perception within yourself, my children. If you see anything except the face of love, you are having difficulties with perception. The distortions are understandable and unnoticeable relative to other entities within the illusion. You may even feel that you have a clearer picture than others, and indeed you may.

However, we are speaking of something that is removed from the illusion and that is Love itself. For each entity has as its core reality the face of the Creator, the heart of Christ, the mind of Love. If you do not see that in your enemy, your mate, or the earth and sky itself, then you must polish your glasses and set yourself to study silence again. Do not be easy upon yourself here. For no matter what your actions, it is well to have a bedrock within yourself where you have a metaphysical honesty that will give you strength. You may not be pleased with yourself, but it is well to attempt to continue to know and to bless the self in all its distortions.

Any experience may be re-examined at any time for the possibility that the catalyst has become too much for the flawed illusory entity that you experience and so you buckle under rather than destroy your body or your mind by allowing truly impossible abuse. It might, of course, be possible and even necessary that there be a mated couple which must spend some time apart. It is our admittedly biased point of view that it is well to persevere at all times with only one question and, as always, that question is: Where is Love?

My children, if you or your mate find love in another, remember your own time of romance with gratitude and thanksgiving, and then wish the best and the highest and the most for your love regardless of what your mate wishes to do. If the difficulty is a difference of opinion, turn from defending self and begin defending your love. For does your mate not need you now more than ever? Is your mate not in pain? Words, gestures, any attempt at communication will heal much. And if they do not seem to be efficacious, that also is acceptable to us, for we expect the catalyst and do not attempt to rule its flow into our experience.

It occurs to us that before we leave this question we can make one point which may be more telling, although we consider it to be no more central than any other and that is this: the one who believes that by changing the situation, one will change the experience, is following a false belief. For those lessons which each came to learn are for each, shall we say, a list of priorities. When catalyst cones to a seeker, it is a sure thing that there is a lesson connected with the learning, of the nature of love which working through the catalyst will benefit so that you may become richer in experience and more conscious with the consciousness of love.

When a lesson is declined by moving out of a situation, the same lesson shall be presented to the student again. The lesson, however, will be made clearer so that there is less chance of a misunderstanding. Translated into the perceptive bias of your illusion, that means the lesson will be more painful and will take longer to work out. Catalyst will be more extensive for the same experience. The one who walks away from a mated situation is buying time, but not chancing the catalyst that he or she is bound to have one way or another.

To those who have divorced or been divorced, who have left commitments or have been left, we would say that there is no, what this instrument calls “sin,” and what we would call error or mistake in moving, from a situation. It certainly buys, shall we say, trouble. Yet with the wisdom of survival you have chosen to heal so that you may throw yourself once more into your catalyst with a new zeal.

If you have been left, and you have found yourself acting in negative ways, ways demeaning to your mate or to yourself, we urge you to take hold of your will and your powers of love. For if you have not been tested again, you shall be. You will feel betrayal and rejection somewhere and somehow. Next time, offer your love back to the situation.

To those of you who must leave or have left a committed relationship or marriage, do not weep for your past, but rather gird your loins, for your next impulse will give just as much catalyst as the one which gave the catalyst in the first place. This time attempt to infuse your actions with love, with a love that realizes compassion, with a love that realizes the reason for relationships.

Forgive and forgive again. Forgive yourself; forgive any who seem to have hurt you, remembering that you have faulty perceptions if you do not see love in every situation. You have the power to create children of your thoughts, daughters and sons of your heart by what you say and how open your heart and hands are. We ask you to create love. Love one another, my children. Always do what you must with no excuses and no need for recrimination. And always turn your face forward and use what you have learned. This environment which we have called third density is a gift. Every tear, every ache of the heart is precious. We hope you can give thanksgiving in the hard times and find joy in tears, for truly enough, there is sadness in any joy within the illusion. Should there not also be joy in any sadness?


(Latwii, August 31, 1986)

There is in the deeper sense that which you have preincarnatively programmed, shall we say, for your incarnational experience. There are times during your incarnation during which you will be more aware of those patterns and opportunities that you have provided for yourself. It is helpful if one can balance the individual desire to learn and to serve others and the fruits of that learning with a total surrender to the knowledge that that which is appropriate for you will be brought to you.

Thus in your desires of a personal nature, if you can build upon the simplest level of desire, that is, to be made aware of what is appropriate for you at that time, that which is appropriate may find an easier entry into your conscious perceptions.

It is a natural function of the conscious mind which seeks the keys to its own evolution to think that this or that knowledge, function, lesson or service might be helpful in the overall growth of the entity, and indeed in many cases through such desires one becomes aware of the larger pattern of one’s existence. Yet, if one is dedicated to a certain path or outcome for any action, that dedication and desire of a strong nature for such an outcome may hinder the more appropriate pattern of experience.

Thus, to desire is helpful if the desire can be general and the surrender of the self as complete as possible, and if there can be the lack of dedication to a certain outcome.


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Thank you’s to all who asked us to teach and speak in California and Florida this December. We enjoyed each of you.

And we hope everyone has a wonder-filled New Year.