One of the most inspiring and surprising developments of my later life has been associated with my experience of sacred sexuality. No one talks about this subject in polite society. We have Dr. Ruth to inform us about liberated modern sexuality, which is all to the good, but sacredness does not enter the picture in her discussions.
What information appears in print or on the internet is generally either patterned after the Kama Sutra, complete with scissors and other instruments of seeming torture, or redolent of Satanism or Sadism/Masochism. Pure, positive information is thin on the ground.
Nevertheless, my experiences with sacred sexuality were tremendously healing during this time of recovery from my spinal fusion operation in March 2010. I shall therefore attempt to write on this eminently worthy and utterly neglected subject.
I did not start out my adult life believing in the sacredness of sexuality. Like most women of my generation, I saw sex as part of falling in love and being married. Born in 1943, I was a virgin until I was 19, and yielded my maidenhead to my fiancé only weeks before what I confidently expected to be my wedding day. We had been engaged over a year. It seemed safe.
Imagine my surprise when he quietly departed my life only nine days before the wedding! From this I learned for myself that many men in our society enjoy the hunt far more than the actuality of possession. Since this pattern was repeated both in my first marriage and in the hand-fasting with Don Elkins, I mentally wrote this nugget up on the true-for-sure list of Home Truths in Life.
Nevertheless, I was not willing to become a conniving woman. At the age of thirty-something, when I met Jim McCarty, I opened to him as naturally as a flower to the sun. I was not interested in marriage at the time, since I was mated to Don, but celibate with him. I enjoyed Jim as a lover and I had no expectation that he would ever become more than a friend.
When I was fifteen and blossoming, I decided to examine whether or not I wished to date where I had no real interest. I chose the handsomest boy I knew and dated him, once, for purpose of research. My discovery was that sheer lust would never be for me. Consequently I did not date at all until I was engaged! To this day, when I am not in a relationship with someone I admire and love, sex holds no interest for me. I don’t think about it. My sexuality is folded deeply within my nature, not close to the surface.
However, perhaps because I did not confuse my early experience by dating, when I matured into a woman I possessed a very real passion. The one positive thing my first, doomed love did for me was to open my womanhood beautifully. As I spent time with him for the year before we consummated our relationship, everything in me bloomed. I have been grateful to this gentleman, cad though he turned out to be, for that patient wooing.
This set up one necessary prerequisite for sacred sexuality – my unfettered ability to respond to the right man in trust and confidence.
The other necessity, of course, was a mate who could respond to me in trust and confidence. It was not until some years into my relationship with Jim that he became such a man.
Jim and I became lovers in the heat of the summer of 1980. Our relationship remained carefully friendly and non-romantic, by his wish as well as mine. Even after Don Elkins, my hand-fasted mate of sixteen years, died in 1984, there was no change. Mick and I married to normalize our relationship, since we intended to work and live together for life. But there was no romance, only genuine respect, mutual affection and dedication to L/L Research. It seemed ample.
In the summer of 1994, everything changed for us. I swim like an otter and as it happened I was able to save Mick’s life while we were swimming. It was a chancy thing, but I got him to shore by virtue of shoving him towards the beach with my total strength. As a result, I was sent further out to sea on a rip tide. For a few minutes, unable to swim to shore myself, I thought that perhaps I would die that day. However, a kindly wave sluiced me into shore after all. And I was greeted by a much changed man.
It took Jim a while yet to fall in love with me, but the concrete around his heart was permanently razed by my saving his life. After that he was vulnerable to the slow process of change.
After Don’s death, I went through a death process myself, managing to cling to life by the merest thread several times. The issue for me was connected to the incredible unity Don and I had enjoyed. Our love was totally unspoken, at least on his part. Silence reigned. No words of love sullied its mystery. However we were one. Even those of Ra said, in Session 106, “These two entities have been as one for a timeless period and have manifested this in your space/time.”
Since Don had chosen to die, that energy was alive in me as well, and it took me six years of challenging illnesses, both physical and mental, to extricate myself from that deadly tendency towards perishing from this mortal life. For most of that time I worked with constant feelings of wishing to commit suicide, although my ethics prevented me from acting on those feelings. I did not like myself because I felt I had failed Don. This mental state turned into physical illnesses and it was only in 1992 that I emerged into a much improved life, both physically and emotionally.
In the process I lost both my gall bladder and half my transverse colon, which helped my health tremendously. And I went through a pain-management course, in-hospital, for three weeks, which gave me the tools I needed to live a new life.
It was as part of this train of events that romance finally bloomed between Mick and me. Part of this situation was that I was a lot more fun to be with when I was not obsessing over a lost mate. The other part was that Mick honestly fell for me, not the pretty girl he had taken as a lover in 1980 but the older and far wiser woman of 1992’s new, vertical life. By the turn of the century, we were a hot item. I had fallen for my cowboy a long time ago. We were finally equal!
During the eighties and nineties, Mick and I had ascended from having energy exchanges at the level of the green-ray energy center, which we had enjoyed always, to exchanging energy at the level of the blue-ray chakra, the communication and truth chakra. We had a lot of material to process. He had left unsaid many things in the process of caring for me in those early years together, when I was terribly ill physically. And I had left unsaid much, also, concerning the unequal relationship I experienced with him when that concrete wall was still surrounding his heart.
So we talked a lot. We slowly, carefully healed each and every pain by speaking each unspoken thought. It was a difficult process, because we would constantly be caught on our own catalyst and, out of old habit, contract and fail to trust each other. It took literally years before our tender hearts were both entirely undefended, and we could ascend into the indigo-ray energy center together.
Mind you, we always had enjoyed incredibly powerful sexual experiences together. We had chemistry and were very compatible physically. Our relative size maximized the mechanical, physical aspects of our joining. I doubt any couple ever had a more completely satisfying sexual life together. Neither of us expected anything more.
But as the years went by, we received more. As we did so, we found ourselves praying before and after our dates, and sometimes while we were moving together. The Creator had become part of our lovemaking.
Five years ago, I contracted interstitial cystitis. It is not an infection but simply a chronic condition which inflames the pelvic floor. And it routinely abolishes a woman’s ability to have intercourse. I found myself dreading intercourse with Mick because of the pain involved, which was acute.
This might well have spelled the end of our love life, but Mick did not see it that way. We became lovers who did not indulge in intercourse. And to our astonishment, the pleasure of our joining kept growing. Today, we are at the constant peak of our experiences of sexuality and every time we dance together, we can confidently expect an even more expanded, powerful, even stunning experience. The Creator has taken the lead and we follow in delight!
In speaking of sexuality, the Ra group said, “The more, shall we say, integral sexuality or polarity of the body complex, which is a portion of the mind/body/spirit complex, follows the ways of the seeking of energy transfer and the furthering of aid and service to others.” I believe that is where Mick and I are now, experiencing the joy of sacred sexuality.
In any sexual energy exchange, I find myself feeling better than I have all day. You can imagine what a powerfully healing influence this experience has been as I have mended from surgery over the past months! I stand in awe of the way we were designed by a most kindly Creator!
Some of you do not have a sexual partner, or want one. Some of you who have partners do not have the conditions for sacred experience in hand. But if you do have both a partner and good basic conditions for exploring sacred sexuality, please enter into the process of refining your experience in confidence and joy. The rewards are tremendous and seemingly never-ending.
I open my arms and embrace your spirit! Let us all seek that which the Creator has prepared for us to walk in, and dance as we can in the fields of the Lord.