S: “All my life I’ve been dealing with the feeling of not being good enough and with anger. I feel the anger very strongly in [dealing with] my mother and I can feel it in [dealing with] my children too. What are the spiritual principles involved in not feeling “good enough,” ending in anger? What am I supposed to learn from these feelings? Does this have something to do with self-acceptance?”
We are known to you as the principle of Q’uo. The speaker this evening is the one known as Hatonn. We greet you in the love and in the light of the one infinite Creator, in whose service we come to you this day. Thank you, my brothers and my sisters, for creating this sacred time for seeking the truth. It is a joy to join your circle of seeking and to be a part of this session of working. We especially thank the one known as S for requesting information regarding feelings of unworthiness and anger. It is a privilege to be asked for our opinion and a joy to offer our humble thoughts.
As always, we would ask each who reads or hears these words to be discriminatory in what you pick up and use from those things which we have to say. Follow the path of resonance and use those thoughts that are resonant to you, leaving the rest behind. That will enable us to feel free to offer our opinions without being concerned that we might infringe upon your free will or disturb the rhythmic process of your own seeking.
Emotions are very, very important in the process of getting to know yourself and of becoming a self-realized person, aware of your own sacred nature. Often those seeking to be serious seekers downplay or disregard the importance of emotions. This is because they see the shallowness and inconsistency of surface emotions and feel that because they are so highly distorted and unbalanced they do not have any virtue, spiritually speaking.
However, it is our opinion that the surface emotions are the beginning of the entry of the individual into its own deeper mind. Each emotion is precious, the heaviest emotion as well as the lightest, the darkest as well as the most joyful.
The two emotions of which the one known as S speaks, unworthiness and anger, are part of what most seekers would call the dark side or the shadow side of the self.
The seeker has a feeling that he is not supposed to be feeling unworthy. He is not supposed to be angry. Yet emotions spring forth without regard to whether they should be felt or not. Emotions tell a truth within the life of the seeker and they are, therefore, great gifts of the self to the self.
Emotions begin with highly colored, impulsive reactions and responses to catalyst. They take one by surprise. They are not planned. This is why they bear truths as a gift. You cannot fool yourself into feeling an emotion. It simply is there and you recognize it.
However, emotions do not stay on the surface for the persistent seeker who is willing to abide with and enjoy the company of these emotions. They begin to have a deeper life. As one feels these emotions again and again, there comes the opportunity, each time the emotion is repeated, to work with that emotion, to embrace it and honor it and to gaze at it to see from what catalyst it has arisen.
When one is persistently fearless with emotions and is able to sit with the self as it experiences an emotion flowing through, there is a gradual deepening of that emotion. Eventually, as repetition and work in consciousness with these emotions begins to yield its fruits, the seeker begins to have glimpses of the refined and purified emotion that started out so highly colored. And eventually that emotion can take one into the archetypical mind, where the deepest of truths may be found.
In the archetypal mind these emotions flow like underground rivers, emptying into the sea of bliss and unconditional love that is the beginning and ending of all that is. As they wend their way through the archetypal mind, they water the myths which make up the roots of consciousness. The stories of your soul are emotional and have a shape and a direction to them. This is the beauty of that highly colored and uncomfortable surface emotion that the seeker first experiences.
Certainly the journey from discovering that one feels unworthy or one feels angry to the place in the journey where one embraces the unworthiness and the anger and loves it unconditionally, is a long journey. Yet, my sister, it is a worthwhile journey and one that has a sweetness to it. For each time you are able to move into a position of greater understanding of your own trigger points and reactions, you have gained part of that fragmented self that has been lost to the shadow side of self. And as you bring it into the light of your own attention, you are able to work with it and to help this feeling to become matured and ripened and begin to have more and more of a clarity and a purity.
You are, in other words, refining the rough surface emotion so that it may penetrate deeper and deeper through the layers of enculturation, previous assumptions and all of the various layers of your surface mind and the gifts that you have been given by your culture, your parents, and your teachers. Generally speaking, personal truth does not lie in the culture, the parents, or the teachers and what they have to say. For the most part, the seeker must discover his own truths and make them a personal credo.
Therefore, these emotions, while not often pleasant to experience, have great value. We say this because we wish to encourage the seeker to work with that which he feels, not judging it, not condemning it, and not being indifferent to it, but rather giving it respectful attention, investigating it, and exploring it. Each emotion, given this honor and respect, will reward the seeker with more and more of a sense of surety as to who he is and to why he is here.
In a way, as you work with emotions you are reclaiming and reintegrating your whole self. You may think of your emotions as treasure. The surface emotion tells you where the treasure lies and then you may sit with that emotion and consider how it arose. What was the trigger? What was occurring when you had that response of feeling unworthy or feeling angry?
Sometimes the answer is very clear. At other times the answer is not at all clear and then you must dig as if for buried treasure, sifting through your memory to find other times when you had the same emotion. What were your triggers then? Compare them with what is occurring in the present, and you begin to see a repeating pattern. You begin to make more sense to yourself and you begin to have more knowledge as to how you came to be the entity who is experiencing right now.
This is true of all emotions, positive and negative. Yet we would now narrow our view and speak of these two emotions in particular and offer some thoughts as to their value and their place in the development of the mature spiritual seeker.
We would take unworthiness first, for it is the more initiatory emotion; that is to say, it is in response to feelings of unworthiness that the seeker often comes to be angry, rather than the other way around. Therefore, we would look at unworthiness first.
It is a very common emotion. Many seekers, especially, have all too much experience, they would say, of this emotion. Certainly, this instrument experiences unworthiness quite often and continues to need to sit with that emotion and embrace it, that it may tell its story and feel that it is accepted.
The roots of unworthiness tend to be found in childhood. Within the upbringing of a seeker there are many times that the seeker, as a young person, hears the scolding and the chiding and is told that it is an unworthy being, that it has not done well, that it could have done better, that it did not do enough, and things of this nature. The young self is relatively undefended. It believes what it hears and it absorbs and takes on this information as though it were the truth.
The fact that it is not the truth, spiritually speaking, is irrelevant to the psychology of how these words, so carelessly spoken by parents, teachers and other authority figures, sink into the psyche and the deep mind.
One grows up physically and the authority figures may or may not still be present to continue to tell the seeker that it is unworthy. However, these voices have been internalized so that even if both parents are gone, as is the case with this instrument, there is still the ability to hear that voice saying, “That is a good effort but it would have been so much better if you had done this and this,” or saying, “You are clumsy, stupid, you haven’t done enough,” and so forth.
Therefore, it is not even necessary for these voices to continue to have any life outside the seeker’s mind, for they are internalized so that they spring forth in the situation that triggers the memory of the times when these words have been spoken before.
What generally triggers a feeling of unworthiness is a self-perceived error or mistake. This instrument, for instance, often forgets something, and immediately she has an internalized voice that says, “How could you have possibly forgotten?” Therefore, she is triggered with unworthiness.
There are as many ways to discover that one has made a mistake as there are situations. Any number of things can bring the seeker to the point of being triggered by that feeling of unworthiness.
It is especially painful because a seeker is generally a very service-to-others oriented person and, far from intending to make a mistake, has tried very hard to do his best, and being soft of heart has wished to please the people around him. When the people are not pleased and do not understand the gift being given and instead throw it back in your face and say, “It is not good, it is not enough, it is poorly done, I did not need this,” or words to that effect, the triggering is automatic. The seeker thinks to himself, “I tried so hard and I failed.”
Now, skill comes in learning how to interrupt the triggering process. One does not wish to repress the emotion of unworthiness. The skillful seeker will welcome it, as it welcomes all catalyst, and take it into the balancing process, paying attention to it, even emphasizing it, and then asking the self, “What is the dynamic opposite of this emotion?”
In the case of unworthiness, the opposite is worthiness and so, after one has experienced the unworthiness, one awaits its dynamic opposite, still in meditation, and asks for it and invokes it, and worthiness then flows into the consciousness with its own information.
Why is the seeker worthy? Because the seeker is part of all that there is. And all that there is is unconditional love. The worth of the seeker, then, is infinite. There is nothing but worth in the seeker’s true and deep nature. Yet, if one is not careful, when one has seen the worthiness, one then chooses the worthiness over the unworthiness and therefore makes a judgment about the self. And this is not something we encourage.
Rather, we ask that you see with compassion the full play of unworthiness and worthiness until you see that both are held in dynamic balance within your nature. Both have their goodness, for they are teaching you lessons that you came here to learn. If indeed you have come to discover your true worth, you could not begin to think about that without first feeling unworthy. It is as an alert or a siren that awakens you to this issue within yourself, so that you may work with it to bring it into the balance that it deserves and needs to have within your character.
When an entity is unawakened there is not usually the pain of unworthiness to the extent that a seeker feels when he has awakened and has discovered his true nature. Then, he wishes all that passes through his mind to be thoughts of love and light, peace and gentleness. And yet the dynamics that bring grist to the mill and make the incarnation work are served not by all the good feelings that one can take for granted and feel very good and smooth about, but by those uncomfortable emotions that wake one up to one’s imbalances, so that one may then turn, move towards them, gather them in his arms, and take them into his open heart.
We are not suggesting that, over a period of time, work with unworthiness shall cause you to cease feeling unworthy. You may dig up trigger after trigger after trigger and yet it is the general case that there are so many triggers buried in the soil of one’s memory from past occasions of pain having to do with unworthiness that there always shall be moments of being triggered and of feeling less than worthy.
If human nature were perfectible, this would not be so. But human nature was designed to be imperfect. This grants to the human the continuing opportunity to go ever deeper to discover ever more fundamental truths about the self.
The energies of judgment have a great part to play in unworthiness. And we iterate that it is not helpful to judge the self. Rather it is helpful to have compassion upon the self and to pay attention to the self. Each difficult emotion is a call for help. It is a call that goes into the self, into that place where you can be your own mother, your own father, your own friend, so that you may heal the wounds of the past and forgive the self and the other self who first offered you these wounds that have given you so much fruit and food for thought.
Anger is generally a byproduct of judgment, and that is why we say it is dependent upon the feeling of unworthiness. We would differentiate between the emotion of righteous anger, which is involved with a sense of justice and fair play, and the anger that springs up seemingly out of nothing in response to something someone says or the small unfairnesses of life.
It is not necessary for a person to experience a relationship with another person in order to feel anger. Anger can be generated by the self all alone, because of the rich array of triggers there are buried in everyday experiences. Say one has a hammer and a nail and one takes the hammer and tries to pound the nail, but instead hits the thumb. Anger arises right on the [tail] of judgment. The first feeling is an instantaneous judgment of the self: “I’m not worthwhile, I can’t hit the nail.” Then comes the anger. Perhaps the seeker is not even aware of that judgment of unworthiness that has preceded the anger, for anger arises so swiftly. Yet it arises because of the self-judgment.
Do we suggest that one becomes impervious to anger and no longer has that impulse toward anger after working with anger for a long period of time? No, we do not suggest that. Again, the human makeup is such that there will always be those imperfections that remain. There is no virtue in thinking, “I can stamp this out of my nature. I can move beyond this. I can rise above this.”
My sister, we would never suggest that you rise above your anger or your sense of unworthiness, for that would be leaving a part of yourself behind. Not that you are an unworthy or an angry being, but that is part of the complete array of positive and negative, light and dark, radiant and magnetic parts of the self. And it is your whole self that the one infinite Creator loves above all telling; not the good self or the worthy self or the peaceful self but the self who is all things worthy and unworthy, peaceful and every other dynamic that can be thought of.
The Creator loves you just as you are, and your hope in working with these emotions is gradually to come into a place where you have compassion, as the Creator has compassion, on those portions of the self that concern you from time to time. They do not diminish you. They should not in any way bring you shame. Your feelings are all equally worthy and deserve to be respected and attended to.
We would ask you to woo yourself as if you were your own lover. At first the self is shy and you, the healer, must say, “Oh, please, I will not be offended. I want to hear about your unworthiness. I want to hear about your anger. Please come and tell me your story and I will listen and I will not judge. I will love you and I will have compassion on you.”
Gradually, then, you begin to create for yourself the feeling of being healed, so that when you are triggered you know that you are triggered and you are not swept up in the surface feelings any longer. Your feelings begin to have a depth to them because you have the impulse that is triggered and then you have the awareness that you have worked so hard to gain: “Ah, here is unworthiness. Ah, here is anger.” And you love your unworthiness, you love your anger, you love the emotions that make you who you are. And love gradually dissolves the bitterness that is your instinctive reaction to these surface impulses that do not please you as a spiritual seeker and do not seem to ring true.
We assure you, my sister, you will always ring true. Your emotions will always tell you a truth and they always have gifts in their hands. And when loved and understood, they will give you their secrets and show you the places within you that need healing. So take yourself in your arms when you feel unworthy or when you feel angry and say, “I love you anyway. I love you with all my heart. You are my darling. You are my sweetheart. Let me hug you and cradle you.” And all of the bitterness can then gradually melt away so that while you understand that you have very uneven and sometimes imbalanced surface reactions, you also have compassion.
The process of working with yourself is very important in the regard that once you have begun to have true compassion upon yourself, then and only then, can you begin to have true compassion for others with all of their mistakes, self-perceived and perceived by you. When you have finally fallen in love with yourself, then you can fall in love with others as well as seeing yourself and everyone else as sparks of the one infinite Creator.
You exist within third density in darkness. It is a place of unknowing. The veil is heavy here. You will make mistakes again and again and feel unworthy. And you will be angry again and again. And yet this too is good. This too is helpful. This too is grist for the mill that creates the refining of your character and your soul, so that you begin to be more and more transparent—not that you have gotten over feeling angry or unworthy, but that you see through these surface emotions to the beauty of your deep self and you begin to have a real confidence in that deep self that goes beyond the tossing of the surface waves of everyday living. This transparency makes of you a better and better lighthouse.
You will never cease to be imperfect in third density, but as you have compassion on yourself you become transparent to these imperfections. Your faith in your deeper self releases you from contracting around these negative emotions. You can let them go.
[Side one of tape ends.]
You can start over. And meanwhile the energy of the infinite Creator that is flowing through your energy body in infinite amounts has a clear path through you, so that you radiate light into the world, not from yourself but through yourself.
This instrument informs us that the turning of the tape recorder is a signal for us to lift away from the main question and to consider other queries. May we ask the one known as Jim to read the second query at this time. We are those of Q’uo.
[Reading question from S.]
“I have three children—two grown girls and a boy. What are the spiritual principles involved in my relationship with them?”
We are those of Q’uo, and are aware of your query, my sister. The spiritual principle involved in having children is that of the guardian and lover that sees the beauty of these children that have been gifts to her from the Creator. Children are to the parents an opportunity to share and be of service to another entity in a very special way.
As a mother, my sister, you know better than anyone the utter helplessness of your children when they first came to you. They could not speak or move on their own accord when they first came to you. You had to feed them and keep them clean and warm and offer to them an environment in which they felt happy and safe. And you have learned more about service to others from your relationship with them than probably any other relationships in your life. They have, therefore, been your greatest teachers.
How have you loved them, perhaps you wonder. And yet we assure you, my sister, that you have loved them very well. And you continue to love them very well with all of your heart. Perhaps you feel you have been imperfect in expressing that love. And yet you have always given your very best and your highest to them, and this is your hope at this time in continuing.
Consequently, we say to you that the spiritual principle involved is that of service to others. You have taken entities that made an agreement with you, before either of you came into incarnation, that you would have this special relationship. And you have done and you continue to do your best to offer them all the love in your heart. Your greatest gift to them is this simple unconditional love.
Naturally, it has been necessary to teach them the ways of the culture in order to protect them, so that they would know how to behave when they were with other people. And this has undoubtedly brought you into conflict with them again and again. Yet we assure you, my sister, that one of the ways that love serves a young soul is to indicate where the boundaries are, where the principles that underlie human interaction are.
Had you given them absolutely everything for which they asked, had you said yes to whatever they requested of you, you would not have given them your wisdom. And, my sister, they need your wisdom as well as your love.
It is a very sensitive thing to raise a child. You cannot raise any two children the same way. Every entity is its own entity. What works with one personality does not work with another. And so, there have been many times when you wondered whether you were doing the right thing. And yet we say to you, if you can keep your intention of giving your highest and your best, then you have done the right thing.
Above all, the principle involved in being of service to others is to offer that gift which you do give with love. And my sister, you have done that very well and continue to do that with all of your heart. You cannot help at times seeming judgmental, and we have just said to you it is not good to be judgmental. And yet when you are mentoring a developing spirit, it is well to have those times of saying, “This is not good, this is not useful, this is not helpful,” and so forth. But always try, my sister, to say what you have to say and do what you need to do coming from a place of unconditional love and compassion.
May we ask if the one known as Jim would read the next question? We are those of Q’uo.
[Reading question from S.]
“Sometimes I have the feeling that my son sees something that I don’t see, maybe from the unseen world. He is scared by this and doesn’t want to talk about this. Can you confirm this? How can I help him not to be afraid?”
We are those of Q’uo. And yes, my sister, we can confirm this. When a child is psychic, or when any entity is psychic, it can be a disturbing and frightening thing. Others around him are not experiencing what he experiences. He has no real framework for understanding his experience. It is a natural reaction to feel fear when experiencing the unknown.
It may help you to understand how this feels if you think of an entity who has had a drug or who has taken too much alcohol, and because of the alteration in consciousness has had an awareness come to him that would not normally come. This entity would call it a “bad trip.”
When an entity has a bad trip he feels fear and he contracts around that fear. It is the fear of the unknown. It is the fear of something that he does not understand. Naturally, on the part of your son and on the part of all of those who by nature are ultrasensitive and do sense into the unseen worlds, it can be a continuing source of unease and discomfort.
In the first place, that which you may do to respond to his need is to be reassuring and to treat these things as normal. When he does not speak of them and does not want to talk about them, then you cannot be verbal in your reassurance. But you can always maintain an even calmness that does not change because he may be experiencing that which he does not understand. And that in itself is reassuring.
If a parent reacts to something sensed in the child by being afraid or being concerned, then that child feels it and projects it into what he is sensing, thereby making his discomfort more severe. But when he senses nothing but a continuing love and peace from his parent, then he knows that everything is basically all right, even if he doesn’t understand what is happening to him.
As this young entity grows in years, he will undoubtedly begin to talk more about this, if not to you, then to someone else. If he does choose to begin to speak to you about that which he does not understand, then you may share with him your understanding of the unseen worlds and that they are as real a part of things as the worlds that are seen; they are just the other side of things. There is the physical world of space/time and there is the metaphysical world of time/space, and it is as natural for an entity to experience things in time/space as in space/time.
However, normally the unawakened spirit does not experience time/space. Consequently, this young soul has no one to whom to talk. Be there when he does wish to speak, and continue a silent reassurance until the time when he does begin to communicate.
As this entity is becoming more and more able to use his intellect and to absorb information of this nature, it may be helpful to drop little seeds by having books around and speaking of them, so that he may choose, at a time that feels right to him, to begin to do some reading about these unseen worlds and to begin to explore that which is occurring to him for himself. It may be that he may do the work of coming to understand his gift all by himself. Leaving the books where he has access to them will be helpful.
May we ask for the next query?
[Reading question from S.]
“I have a particularly difficult job, one that I don’t like, but need it to pay the bills. Since it is not the first time I’ve dealt with a difficult job, I try very hard to see what my lessons are, but I’m still confused. Can Q’uo offer me some suggestions on how to work with this catalyst?”
We are those of Q’uo, and are aware of your query, my sister. Perhaps, my sister, you are aware of the concept of the energy body with its seven chakras. Each chakra has its own gifts and its own kind of energy. And all of the seven chakras are equally important in the balancing of the whole energy body. Naturally, you want a body to be strong throughout its system. For instance, you would not want your feet to be weak but your mind to be strong. You would not want your hands to be weak, but your shoulders to be strong, and so forth.
You want all of your energies in balance and in a state of health. Therefore, you want your red ray to be strong, with its issues of sexuality and survival. Similarly, you wish for your orange ray to be strong, with its issues of relationship of self to self and the relationships that you have with others, one on one. And you want your yellow ray to be strong, with its issues of group relationships such as the birth family, the marriage family, and the work family.
The issue of the job, then, is that which has to do with your yellow ray. Within your choices before you came into incarnation were included the choice of how smoothly things would go for you in the workplace. You have chosen to strengthen your yellow ray by having situations that are not subjectively perceived as ideal in your workplace.
Similarly, you have worked with the energies of the birth family and the marriage family and those, too, have been somewhat difficult from time to time. These difficulties are in place in order that you may work with them and strengthen your being by your persistence in being willing to deal with these difficult emotions that are brought up by the less than ideal situations in birth family, marriage family, and work.
As your maturity has brought you away from direct experience with the birth family and as life has also brought you past having to deal with the more difficult aspects of the marriage family, it is time now in your incarnation for the difficulties to focus on the work family.
How may you be most skillful in encouraging yourself to see these difficulties as the agents of maturity, those agents that will help you become stronger in your yellow ray? Each entity must work with this for herself. And perhaps it is enough for us to say to you that as long as you continue to seek to see the Creator in every entity whom you meet, you cannot go wrong.
This entity often asks herself, “Where is the love in this moment?” My sister, when you ask yourself, “Where is the love in this moment,” as concerns your yellow-ray work environment, you may find that the love in the moment must come from you. Therefore, see yourself as a creature of love that is faithful and confident, because she knows that this situation has been given to her that she may grow and become stronger, wiser and more loving.
We realize that there is no way of behaving in an ideal sense at all times, especially when, as was expressed to this instrument in the round-robin [discussion] preceding this meditation, the bills need to be paid, and the work environment has promised to give payment for work done and has not offered the payment. This creates a crisis in everyday life. There are responsibilities to be met. There are children involved.
My sister, firstly, this is a time to be practical and to consider finding a way to pay the bills where, when the work is done, the payment for the work is there.
But secondly, this is a time to invoke faith, for in truth the Creator does provide that which is needed for today, so when there is that sense of not having enough, we ask you to focus on those things which you have so richly, those things which are enough for today. Begin to work at continuing to give thanks, and to rejoice and have the consciousness of abundance. For this, too, is a lesson of yellow ray, that there is abundance, but it is for today only.
In the prayer called The Lord’s Prayer by this instrument, there is the request and the petition, “Give us this day our daily bread.” Focus upon this concept of rejoicing in that which one has today and praising the abundance of today. And in that way, there will come to you an amelioration of the situation which you now experience, if not in the outer world, certainly in the inner world of your own realization. As a seeker, it is this realization which you are working to refine.
It has been a joy to be with this group and we thank the one known as S and all of those sitting in the circle this day for offering us the opportunity to speak with you on these subjects.
However, the energy of this instrument wanes and we would at this time take our leave of this instrument and this group, expressing once again our gratitude and our pleasure of being a part of the beauty of this sacred space. We thank you and we offer you our love, our support, and our encouragement. At any time that you would wish our presence you have only to ask and we shall be with you.
We are known to you as those of Q’uo. We leave you in the love and in the light of the one infinite Creator. Adonai. Adonai vasu.