[overview] Group question: Concerning codependency and compassion, “How do I live more lovingly for others and still live with respect for myself?” This question relates to the following statements from AARON
“You aspire to perfect service and to prayer without ceasing. The being cannot pray without ceasing while it is moored in judgment and confusion. The heart and energy are not open. It can pray without ceasing when it notes the arising of fear and allows fear to be a catalyst to compassion and connection. Heartfelt prayer arises from that connection. Primary is the question of making friends with your own humanness and imperfections in the incarnative state.”
[This session was preceded by a period of tuning and meditation.]
[new speaker] Aaron
My greetings and love to you all. I am Aaron. I phrased this question some weeks ago because it seems to come from so many of your hearts. I wonder if it would be useful for you to offer any additional thoughts you have about this question. In the rephrasing of it as it comes from your own hearts, there is sometimes that twist that helps you see where the distortion lies. I would pause here for a moment, then, and ask if there are any additions to the question. That is all.
[new speaker] Carla
How can we be of service to others without dumping all over ourselves, using up our time, talent and treasure and not having anything left over for our little special projects? Others are asked to clarify or add to this question.
[new speaker] K
I think it is right to the point.
[new speaker] Aaron
I am Aaron. Let us first speak about the word “codependence.” All beings are, in fact, codependent. The word has picked up bad connotations in your language, as if there were something negative about being codependent. But, in fact, it is not codependence in itself that is negative. The negativity derives from fear. When codependence is acknowledged as part of your connection with all that is, it is a wholesome state.
You breathe in the air. You are codependent with the trees that help create the atmosphere. Your bodies are largely water. At your death that water in your body moves back into the soil. In your breath there is moisture. The moisture from your body helps the trees grow. Codependence, then, is not the problem. It is simply a statement of your non-separation, your inter-being. Rather, what we need to address is codependence as separation; that is, that state of fear which leads you to acts and words and simultaneous resentment about those acts and words, or the fear that leads you to encourage others in unwholesome acts as a protection to the self.
When two beings interact and wish mutually to serve one another, certainly that is codependence. But it is a skillful codependence where each being learns that it is part of a greater whole and honors its interactions with other beings. The right hand does not withhold comfort from the left hand. They know themselves as part of the same body. Yet within the extended earth-plane experience, you view others as separate from self. Then negative codependence arises. We define negative codependence, then, as acts and words based on an illusion of separation. Within that illusion of separation, fear has arisen and also a lack of clarity of the being’s highest purpose.
Each of you has within you places of deep fear. There is some preference not to look into those places, a need to not confront that fear in yourself. When another’s demands upon you allow you escape from that confrontation, a part of you says, “Oh no, incessant demands,” and a part of you says, “Thank you. Thank you for the protection of your demands.”
Last month I talked to a mother who wanted very much to write. That was her expressed desire. She had a baby, perhaps a four-year-old child, and that baby had a tendency to whine, to pull on her constantly for attention, which tendency I noticed as we were talking. The child’s self-entertainment was that it constantly came over and interrupted. Of course, the mother has unconsciously taught it this behavior. When you use the term codependence in a negative way, it grows out of this type of relationship where the mother insists that she wants to write, wants her child to become more independent so that she has freedom for her work, and yet surreptitiously encourages that dependence because it protects her from writing. At a much deeper level, the writing terrifies her. This, then, is what we might define as unwholesome codependence.
As with everything else in your life, negative codependence is an invitation. When you see a repetitive pattern that seems to hamper you in some way, it would seem wise to ask yourself, “What does the continuation of this pattern protect me from? Is there any way that I am encouraging it?” Then you may begin to look at the fear that has led to continuation of that pattern.
At first it seems almost impossible to change it, to say no. There is self-discipline involved here. At some point, as you look at the patterns which seem discouraging to you, you need to ask yourself, “What if I just say no,” and then watch very, very carefully to see what happens. Now here is another area of confusion, of distortion perhaps, because many of you do get this far and decide, “I am going to say no,” but you are not really aware what it is you are saying no to. In your mind, you think you are saying no to the other and to their uncomfortable demands. That no, then, has arisen from a place of anger. You still do not see that what you are saying no to is your own fear.
For this mother I just described, she might say no finally to that child: “No, you must sit down and entertain yourself. Here are crayons. Here is a book. Here are blocks. I am not to be disturbed for half an hour.” But it does not come out that way. Instead it comes out as, “No! You sit down and play with your toys! I have had enough!” That kind of anger pours out. Who is she really angry at? What is the anger really about?
When you are very clear in yourselves that you need to do something a certain way and that your choice is not harmful to another, it is not hard to say no. It becomes hard when there is no clarity, because you do not know whether you want to say no and end the behavior or whether you want to allow the behavior to continue. So, some of you get to the point of saying no but your no is said in anger, which escalates the tension between you, rather than speaking with love.
I have a good deal more I would like to say here. I feel Q’uo wishes to speak and will turn this over to my brother/sister. That is all.
[new speaker] Q’uo
We are those of Q’uo. Greetings to all in this circle of seeking in the love and ineffable light of the one infinite Creator. It is such a thrill to blend our vibrations with your own as we allow our energies to merge with your own and become a hymn of praise and thanksgiving to the one Source and Creator of all that there is.
We are most especially glad to have this opportunity to work with the one known as Aaron. This is unique in our experience of inner- and outer-plane cooperation; and perhaps you could say that Aaron and we are codependent in teaching our best for service to you, as you are codependent in sharing what we offer and using that which you find useful. We do not claim authority over you. Please use your discrimination and leave behind any information which does not meet with your needs and opinions. We would not be a stumbling block before you. This being said, we would like to state our opinion of the portion of this large query upon which we have begun work, for there are several portions to this issue.
Firstly, there is the portion of codependency which works with the Creator, Its design and Its and your co-created agenda for this incarnational experience. Secondly, there is the portion wherein the seeker is working to find the heart of its own self. Thirdly, there is the portion dealing with relationships, not central but rather having to do with the self or the society in regards to the hook which hooks you into so-called codependent behavior. Fourthly, there is the portion devoted to the consideration of the seeker in relation to its central entities: the mate and the family; and in unusual occasions, a special or another acquaintance.
Perhaps you may see our feeling that in dealing with the central relationships of one’s incarnational experience, you are dealing with the Creator’s plan, your work within this incarnation and your generalized buttons, shall we say, or sensitive places wherein connections with the self or society are found to be frustrating in this codependent way. Before we can consider fully the central codependency, however, let us begin with this latter, for it shall prove to be the way we move back into this series of discussions.
Here you are: you, the seeker. And although the life-mate or family member has seemingly associated with you in an unskillful way, and you with the other, there is still a full travel of free will. What force moves within your heart that causes the exchange of hurt and emotional pain? Let us look at the force of need.
Do you see, my friends, you are entities who wish to be of service to others? Therefore, just as we, so you need others in order to be of service. This flavor of need undoubtedly played a role in your choice of this partner as a co-Creator, and again within the illusion in manifestation. This other was chosen because this other needs you. Now, this works very well in bringing together entities, both of which have planned to work upon changing fear to free joy, for did not the other entity also choose you because the other needed to be needed also? Thusly, a loving symbiosis wherein each helps the other and each happily acknowledges the need for the other becomes cramped and crushed by the seeming demands of space and time, for those who need express desire which will take up all space and time.
The need to be needed is likewise unlimited. And, my friends, each other portion of the manifested personality also makes plans upon the available time. And that which worked so perfectly as symbiosis when there was time enough and many fewer complexities of personality hits the crunch of a far more complex agenda for living. Symbiosis is turned into codependency.
The fear has several flavors. Perhaps the most acute is the fear of running out of time. There are other fears here, too: the fear of not being appreciated, the fear of abandonment, the fear of the month! These things change, but the tendency to react to your own fear does not change its flavor like the content of this month’s fear, which will inevitably give way to your changing journey in consciousness.
So, we ask you to begin looking at the contexts in which you live and give and love and attempt to serve others. We move back to the one known as Aaron. We leave this instrument in love and in light. We are those of the principle of Q’uo.
[new speaker] Aaron
This is Aaron. Jim, I can see the thought patterns forming in your mind; but with Barbara’s eyes closed, I cannot see whether those patterns find a continuity to your fingertips and to the keyboard. Thus, my question: Is this still too fast?
[new speaker] Jim
[new speaker] Aaron
I will slow down as much as I am able. When there is a gap between the continuity of my energy, Barbara drifts in and out of the state needed to most clearly channel me. It will take some practice on her part to sit there for some moments with a blank and trust that the next thought is coming.
I appreciate Q’uo’s distinction between living symbiosis and codependence. Symbiosis is alive, a flowering of the energy of each to each, where perhaps codependence has its emphasis on the fear and need of dependence. To be codependent on another there must be two. In fact, that is how you perceive yourselves. You are not your beloved friend or family member, you are not the water you drink ... That is conventional reality. But in terms of a deeper reality, there is no separation.
When you care for a loved one with the sense, “When my work is done for this one, then and only then I can attend to myself,” this is delusion. This is seeing through the eyes of conventional reality. When you see that your service to your loved one is truly also meeting your needs, that your needs intermesh so perfectly, then you are seeing with clarity, with wisdom. This understanding of your fundamental connection with all that is, is essential to your growth.
We speak about love and fear. If you watch yourself carefully, you can see yourself drift in and out ... fear and separation ... love and connection ... Observe it in yourself as you tend to another’s needs. Are you looking at your watch? “How much more time need I give? When will I go and do what I want to do?” My dear ones, what did you come to do? To build this or that building? To drive to the market? To tackle this or that goal? Is that the purpose for which you incarnated? Even what would seem to be the lofty purpose—to write this book, to help that friend—are they the purpose of your incarnation? Yes, the book may be a gift to many or the conversation with your friend a gift to that one. The walk through the woods may bring joy to your heart. But you incarnated for one basic reason: to deepen your experience of faith and love; to move away from delusion of a separate self; to move into such deep awareness of your true nature that your acts, words and thoughts most consistently reflect that awareness.
Do you know what you need to do in order to best practice that clarity, faith and love? In a sense, the practice of faith deepens faith. First there must be clear seeing that you do not foster dependence to avoid your own fears. Once that is established and you are able to move from a space of clarity, much of your confusion will end. You will begin to see that what you most need to do in service to others is exactly what is most needed for the learning of the self.
I would suggest that as you ask yourself to have faith in that statement and observe it carefully, you will find that much of the clamor, “I need/I want”, simply dissolves. Did you really need to do that project? Would not a shorter walk do as well? Yes, you must attend to your own needs. You must care for this human body and nurture all the aspects of you. But how much of the clamor to constantly be doing grows out of deep self-nurturing and how much from fear?
What happens within the heart when you watch the arising of “I need”? What happens when you watch that arising and smile at that solid, separate self? What do you really need to grow beyond the delusion of this small ego self, to understand your true nature, to manifest your energy in service to all without differentiation of self and other? When you serve the divine energy, either in your divine manifestation or in human manifestation, without distinction of self and other, it is then and only then that the spirit finds true freedom. This freedom is the fruit of the practice of faith and love.
That practice takes self-discipline, but not the discipline that you perceive. And here is where you often get into trouble. Your self-discipline often takes the form, “I will do this for him or her, for another.” Can you see, my dear ones, that resentment rises with that separation? With “I will do this for us,” there is no resentment. As I serve you, I serve myself. As I help you to find healing, I find healing. As I help you to understand, I learn.
Some of your projects and busyness are the ego’s wild attempts to escape from this ultimate reality of connection. The ego does not die easily. It screams. It kicks. With attention we learn to hear both voices. The contented baby, pain eased, falls asleep in the mother’s arms; and that mother looks tenderly at her child, so glad that she was able to ease its pain. But there is still the small voice in that mother that says, “But I did not get to finish the chapter in my book,” or, “I missed the end of my movie on TV.” Then she squirms with guilt and discomfort.
Can we learn to smile at that voice? As she cared for her baby’s voice of pain, can we offer compassion to our own voice of pain? Can we learn to hear it for what it is: ego making a last-ditch effort to assert itself? Then we may bask in the beauty of a deeper level of being, of the connection that grows out of actions and words that are clearly not for you, but for us. As you smile at the ego self that does not want to give up, you shift your perspective from fear to love, loving even that ego self and letting it be. Then the heart is free to connect into that deeper level of being, and the heart knows, “I have just done exactly what I needed to do.”
We spoke about faith. You all know that in third density your prime lessons are of faith and love. In our last joint session with Q’uo, the one known as Ariel spoke of the impetuousness with which older third-density incarnate beings sometimes prefer to overlook the learning of faith and love and move into the pathways of deepening compassion and wisdom. If faith and love are learned simultaneously with this deepening of compassion and wisdom, it works well. But when faith and love are overlooked, there is often distortion, even physical distortion of the body where the upper chakras are open and attention is not given to the blockage of the lower chakras.
One aspect of deepening faith that is overlooked by many of you is that when you watch this shift in yourself—service to other versus service to self—as you watch yourself shift in perspective, faith grows from blind faith to a verified faith. Intuitively you know that you are moving deeper into connection. Your heart knows that you are doing the work you came to do, not getting rid of ego but allowing ego to dissolve in the light and energy of ultimate reality. That reality knows the self as unlimited, divine, connected to all that is. When you bring your attention back to this deepening of faith, you may simply remind yourself, “This is why I am here.”
This is the self-discipline that is called for. It is not a voice that says, “I must meet his needs.” It is not an intellect that says, “You should have compassion.” It is not judgmental in that way. Rather, it is the voice of the heart. It is the voice that dissolves all boundaries, dissolves all fear, and brings you into that wondrous knowing of your own true Self, of God and of the self’s true nature as part of God.
Can you allow each arising of “What about me?” to become a reminder: “Can I observe this fear? Can I smile at the ego kicking and screaming and let go? Can I really trust that if something needs to be done there will be a way for it to be done?” No, that does not mean you can lie back and let someone else take care of it. Effort is required. But what is the doing about? Is it an assertion of ego, at least in some part, or does it take you closer to connection and deeper love?
I thank you for your attention to these thoughts. I expect that we will be delving into this question and its many ramifications for several days. May I return you now to the energy of my brother/sister of Q’uo? That is all.
[new speaker] Q’uo
I am again with this instrument. I am Q’uo.
We would leave you with one focus. The one known as Aaron asked, “Can you laugh and love the entity you are?” This query is central. In the context of relationship, we ask you to reflect upon the persistence of desire that is not analyzed or understood. For instance, if you think, “She is so angry with me,” you may well be thinking, in truth, “I am so angry with her.” The very need that was perceived as an occasion for service becomes an affront to the waking consciousness of third density when the service is rendered and no appreciation is offered. The greater the perceived service, the greater the unrealized need, often, for thanks and validation.
Now in truth, you truly wished and did wish to serve purely with no expectation of any return. But this is the point with which we wish to leave this session: Seldom can an entity offer itself so purely that the incessant, persistent and continuing arising of desire does not make more than pure the consciousness that has come to serve. Can you love that self that continues very naturally to desire?
We shall pick this up with great glee at our next session of working. Meanwhile, we congratulate each of you and your various numb body parts and consciousness, and we perceive a level of fatigue in the group. We hope that you may wash that aftertaste of weariness away with companionship, some food for your physical vehicles and of course the praying without ceasing that you do not yet know that you are already doing. How we love you, my friends. We do look forward to our next opportunity to work with your queries. Meanwhile, we leave you in the joy of the love and light of the one infinite Creator in Whose name we come. We are known to you as those of the principle of Q’uo. Adonai, my friends. Adonai.
[new speaker] Aaron
This is Aaron. It seems redundant to add anything to that statement. My blessings and love to you all.